These are a few of my favorite things......

Hints, tips and things I like.

Aveda's Shampure shampoo and conditioner is fabulous but if you don't like even the faintest hint of patchouli then you may want to try their Rosemary Mint shampoo and conditioner instead.

Try Ranch Style Beans instead of baked beans at your next BBQ; the unique taste will make you glad you did. Try adding onions or even a finely chopped jalapeno for extra flavor. This is the real thing, made in Fort Worth, Texas and in the Pacific Northwest you can find them at Fred Meyers (where they are relabeled as Ranch Style Texan Beans because we might not get it without the "Texas" part).

Desert Essence makes the best lip balm ever in their Lip Rescue with Shea Butter; I couldn't find it on their web site but you can probably find it at a Whole Foods or a similar shop. It's even better than Aveda's Lip Saver, although Desert Essence's lip balm doesn't glow under black light like the Aveda version does, which is kinda fun if you happen to frequent cosmic bowling night.

Love a nice Oregon Pinot Noir? Try ordering online from my buddies at Cork. Cottonwood's 2003 Marina Piper is a particular favorite.

I love the handbags made by Matt and Nat and they are animal friendly if that is important to you. Great styles to boot and they have an attaching key ring in each bag.

I like finding out secrets and you can do that here. Post Secrets is a weekly obsession of mine.

Everyone knows I love Rufus Wainwright but I have to admit that my favorite of his albums is probably Poses. Beautiful music and the haunting songs bring back equally beautiful memories of a particularly difficult time in my life.

If you're a tall female and also a stick like me, Banana Republic has EXTRA TALL SIZES!!!!! Perhaps my life of "high waters" is over.

.....and that makes me happy.

It's a great big beautiful tomorrow all right!

In 1964 my family went to the New York World's Fair. Yes, I'm that old, stop your snickering and I will NOT stomach any old-fart jokes, I'm just not in the mood. Anyway, at the World's Fair there was an exhibit sponsored by GE called something stupid and early 60's like "Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow" or something (because I can to this day still sing the theme song) and showed all the gadgets that will be invented in the future to make life easier, you know, things like built in dishwashers, bagel toasters, flying cars and robot maids. The product that this post is about was definitely not one of those fantastically futuristic products to look forward.

Because I am a real sweetie and evidently gullible I purchased a fabulous automatic egg cooker for the Roommate because who doesn't love hard boiled eggs, and not just at Easter! The handy user guide boasted gushingly about how versatile this amazing product is, evidently because it cooks not only hard boiled eggs, but soft and medium boiled as well! Made it sound like this gadget was so useful you practically needed one for each room in your home!!! So advanced that all you had to do fill the water resouviour with the correct amount of water for the style of egg you wanted, insert the egg tray, place the eggs in the tray, poke a small hole in the top of the egg (to keep them from EXPLODING!!!!), plug into any outlet and turn the machine ON! No dial to set, no thought process to go through, just PLUG IT IN. Yes it's that simple. So the other night, after a rousing night of drinking wine, the Roommate and I followed the instructions, plugged in the time-saving device and promptly went to bed. What we failed to notice in the instruction booklet was that this handy devices, while on the one hand will let you know when your eggs are done, on the other hand it will not turn the fucking machine off. I woke up at 6 am to a god-awful buzz letting me know that our petrified eggs were ready to be eaten. Or thrown at an intruder to render them senseless. Or just point at and laugh but most likely thrown away. I really wish I had cracked one open and cut it in half with a jackhammer to see what a "6 hour egg" looks like on the inside but that would probably not smell too pretty.

So rush right out to your neighborhood Target and pick up one of these little kitchen miracles, or better yet, go online since they are on sale there (save $3! until you pay the shipping). In fact while you're there you might want to get one of these, these or maybe even one of these because frankly, how have you survived this long without any one of these great products? And seriously, you can never have enough fresh soy milk.

Plus Mother's Day is coming up and you know how much Mom loves a time-saving, piece-of-shit gadget that could quite possibly set the house on fire!

Smells like middle-aged spirit.

There's something in the air, a mood change or something, hard to identify, so I am having a hard time putting my finger on it. I'd like to say it's "optimism" but I've kind of been not on speaking terms with that concept for the last 10 months, so I'm not for sure that's even what I'm smelling (sidebar: we do have a litter box in the house but I don't think that's what I smell). Optimism with a side of "happy" but let's not stick our necks out and super-sized just yet. I also sense "jinx" and the possibility of a "potential let down" so I'm going to leave you hanging with that. You'll be the first to know but until I am certain of this new mode for myself, mum's the word.

Leigh came over last night and we watched The Science of Sleep, and what can I say but "odd" and "highly interesting". The use of multiple languages made it hard to take the lazy/drunken/ignorant approach to viewing since it caused a false sense of security that I would be able to follow the plot while only half paying attention (the other half consisting of drinking copious amounts of red wine). And I must say Natalie Portman is a very lucky girl, indeed, since Gael Garcia Bernal has incredibly large hands in one part of the movie, and you know what they say about the "hand-size/ehhhemmm ratio" equation…….

So overall it was a good movie, two incredibly large thumbs up, and a special thank you shout out to Rufus for rendering it unnecessary for me to have to pre-rinse the pate bowl before loading it in the dishwasher. Mommy's Little Angel is always willing to help out at clean up time, bless his heart. Sometimes pre-maturely as I wasn't really finished with it yet, but your good intentions are taken into consideration, Booboo.

Oh, and wish me luck and fingers crossed on the thing I must not yet speak of.

Larry Bud Melman...RIP

I have no idea how I missed the story of Larry Bud's passing until today, but I believe all flags should be flown at half mast for at least a year.

Gotta love a learning curve.

Things I have learned today:

Before

After

"After" is better than "before". (This is a no brainer, even Rufus puts in his vote.)

Mayonnaise is not a substitute for coffee creamer, not even in a pinch. ("White" and "creamy" do not trandsend some borders. Insert crass joke here.) This mistake could seriously put a damper on your morning.

Another thing that will put a damper on your morning is to spill a cup of coffee (sans mayo) on your cell phone, digital camera, calculator, camera memory card and laptop. (I swear to god it seems like Monday not Friday).

The sun can actually come out three days in a row in Oregon in March. But three is probably stretching it (I feel relatively confident in this last statement as I just checked the forecast and we've got a 90% chance of rain tomorrow.)

Rufus is a good dog, especially when he's not being bad. (Which isn't that often.)

Too many bloggers are slipping into the "hiatus" sand trap. (I don't want to be the last one standing so maybe I should quit, too.)

Escapism artist

Not much going on except for the Roommate's newfound preoccupation with "completing projects" which require me to help. We spent the hours between 9 pm and midnight last night cleaning out closets and getting rid of clothes. With a bottle of wine. Amazing how much you realize you really don't like items of clothing when a little on the tipsy side.

Yesterday I briefly listened to a talk program on NPR concerning homosexuality in modern day. The panel contained a guy with some religious affiliation that I didn't catch and an openly gay man whom I was unable to discern his association. The reason I don't have any more specifics is that I came in on the program after it was well into the discussion and didn't listen to the entire program as I was running errands---in and out of the car---so my run-down of the discussion is less than complete, although there were a few points made that I found interesting. First off the religious guy seemed OK with gay people but still saw being homosexual on a par with infidelity, kind of bad but not bad. Opinionated but in a very "grey area" sort of way so I am assuming there are degrees of bad. The subject of the bible's view of homosexuality being wrong was explained by the gay panelist as not necessarily being an incorrect opinion so to speak but more to the point of being an outdated concept. He explained that the early stance was the whole necessity of Christians procreating to swell the population of followers. Now that there is no urgency in building the flock there was no reason to be concerned with the bible's negative stance on homosexuality. The two panelist kind of disagreed but in a kind of polite, agreeable sort of way. No sarcasm, no yelling, no bible quotes. It was a---again---polite discussion (it was NPR after all) and highly interesting. Too bad the masses can't agree to disagree in the same civilized manner; it's so black and white in modern America: if you are gay you are sinner and if you believe that you are backwards.

There was one really stupid point made though. Although the gay man stated that if two people were in love, committed, of legal age and consensual what they did privately should be no one's business. The religious-affiliation man disagreed with the legal validity of gay marriage because as he explained, if two lesbians were allowed to marry, what was to stop THREE lesbians from marrying down the road. Just ridiculous, that's like saying if you let two men marry then the next step is a man legally marrying a cow. That logic escapes me. And kind of makes me belly laugh.

I have to run. I need to fix the fence because Rufus just jumped over it to get into the neighbor's yard. Seems he and the neighbor are planning to run off and get married and I'm totally against that.

Straight from the headlines....

Anna Nicole Judge Cited for Pot in ParkMar 20, 7:10 AM EST

The Associated Press
HOLLYWOOD, Fla. -- A judge who had a secondary role in the recent Anna Nicole Smith proceedings was charged with smoking marijuana in a city park, police said Monday.
Lawrence Korda was smoking marijuana while sitting under a tree Sunday, police said. Three officers who were training there saw Korda and field-tested the cigarette, meaning taking a few drags each, said Capt. Tony Rode, a police spokesman who also added "Man, I'm stoned!".

The judge was not arrested but was given a misdemeanor citation to appear in court.
"Judge Korda was not given special treatment because of his status as a circuit court judge," Rode said. "He was given special treatment because he is involved with a celebrity court case. That's exactly what 99 percent of other celebrity-related offenders would have been given for this type of offense."

Read the actual story here.

Fun fun weekend....

....but I just don't have the energy to post. Maybe tomorrow. It's tough to post when you were in a wine bottle all weekend.

See ya!

I'm off to Seattle early tomorrow morning (fucking 6 am) for my review so I may not post on Thursday. If my review goes really bad (especially after the three hour commute) you will surely see something from me tomorrow, something seething to be sure. But knowing what I know it should be all good*.

Happy Thursday, think well of me and send good thoughts while I'm drinking with Rusty and Sarahbeth! Say a prayer for me since I have a 2:00 customer appointment in Portland! (Especially that prayer to St Anthony [the patron saint of lost items] or St Jude [patron saint of lost causes---which come to think of it probably applies here all around] pray pray pray).


*Famous last words.

Madam Suz, the Magnificent predicts the future!

I predict…

…that the Bush administration will prove to be the most corrupt period in history as all things associated with this president reek of a total disregard of the constitution and bill of rights. His tenure will make the Nixon administration look like a good natured troop of Eagle Scouts.

…that global warming is a fact and the longer we keep our head in the sand about it, the worse off we'll be as a species. I'm sweating just thinking about it.

…I will die a born-again spinster.

…that my ball of fuzz-engulfed manic energy will reach mellow-good-dog-hood right around the time he hits his 14th birthday. I thought he was over his money eating phase but that demolished dollar bill last night proves that thought wrong. The only currency allowed in the house should be coins. Not even charge cards are safe.

…this guy has a special place in hell just waiting for him; he is promoting hate in the armed services and should be relieved of his duties. Pace should either not be in the position of power he is in or he should not be able to talk to the press. Or the public. Or the troops. I wonder how those "not asking and not telling" who serve under him (snicker snicker, double meaning) feel about dying in Iraq.

…that I will get a little tipsy in Seattle with Sarahbeth and Rusty tomorrow night.

…that one day soon we will be thinking back to the good ol' days when gas was only $3 a gallon.

…Britney Spears will continue to baffle and entertain us with her follies no matter how many times she checks into rehab. I know she hasn't been in the news lately but I just want her to know she's still on our minds.

Another Rant, just because I care.

Evidently I missed a memo somewhere along the line because obviously it's "show off your unfortunate tattoo day" at my gym. I'm not talking about the random "tram stamp" one will ultimately regret once the wearer is no longer getting tapped by it's namesake, I'm talking much, much more likely to end up in the "what was I thinking and shouldn't it have occurred to me that this just might just become a huge mistake one of those many hours I sat in that chair getting my ink?" There was the not so young woman who had those dancing southwest art figures parading around her bicep and another guy had a run away chest tattoo that couldn't be contained by a mere shoulder and even made a mad dash all the way up to his cheekbone. To that lovely I wanted to comment "well, it appears you have successfully fucked yourself out of any white collar position" but I don't think scaling the corporate ladder was his cup of tea to begin with. And it's not that I have anything against tattoos, I myself have one----got it way before the fad, in the late 1980's----but I keep it under cover at work which is pretty easy since it's on my right ass cheek and I almost always wear clothes to the office.

Another memo I evidently missed was "show your proud over-grown bush day" but I don't really want to go there. Literally.

There's gonna be a wedding and everyone's the bride!

Saturday night we had a pub crawl, only all the guys in the group bailed so it was just a gaggle of women. Diane had come up with this idea that we do a bachelorette party where everyone gets to be the bride at different bars so we adopted this theme for our girl's night out. We are all in our thirties and forties, so who knows if we'll ever be a bachelorette, or in a few of our cases, be a bachelorette again.

I was the lucky bride at the first bar. When we walked in the bartender asked if we were a bachelorette party and of course everyone said yes. My wedding story was that I was marrying a gay man from Canada so he could get his green card and this is what we told the bartender. Someone added that it was my third marriage so it was ok. Flaming Dr Peppers, jello shots and pudding shots (I wondered when this idea would catch on) were ordered all around.

Leigh was the bride at the second bar, where we were given sommeone's reserved table since we were a bachelorette party and all. Leigh's story was that she was marrying a midget.

Toilet paper veil courtesy of Erin. She should seriously open a side business. It was halarious because people kept stopping by our table giving Leigh their congratualtions.

Tammy was our third bride. We were so toasted that by this point that we didn't even give her a story about her husband.

Looks like everyone was having a good time!

I certainly hope all these photos upload correctly. There's that damn box with an X in it where some of the photos should be. Ruining my good time.

So our bachelorette party was a huge success. So much so that Daina stole some chick's pink wig, bolted out of the bar and ran down the street with it on her head. We got a guy to give us all a ride to retrieve her and drop us at Diane's house where I woke up on the couch the next morning.

Good times, good times.

Gimme some of dem grits over 'dere.

I had grits this morning. I loves me some grits and that along with even knowing what they are is a pretty good sign that I was raised in the south. Deep south that is, since the Roommate was born in Kentucky and us Louisianians consider that damn near Yankee country. Grits with butter, grits with cheese, grits with just salt and pepper, I love them all.

Up until recently I was embarrassed to admit I was from Louisiana, in spite of the Cajun cuisine craze and sympathy for Katrina victims. There has always been a link to being an inbred moron etched in my mind with anything associated with the states that border the Gulf of Mexico (except Florida, I excuse you from my group bash) and I have always avoided mentioning where I spent my formative years for fear of being snickered at. After all, Louisiana gave us David Duke, Edwin Edwards and Britney Spears, each and every one reason to be embarrassed for the state I lived in the longest. But in recent years I have grown to embrace my southern heritage for some reason, maybe it's maturity, maybe it's because I know I got a lot of character from growing up there, maybe it's because I realize morons are everywhere and just not restricted to the state shaped like a boot. Yeah, it's probably the latter because dufuses are everywhere. But now I realize that being from the Pelican State has given me a lot of character and I do make some badass Jambalaya. And besides, Texas is more embarrassing since that's where our mental giant of a crooked President came from. Wake me up when he's impeached.

So where do y'all hail from? What location made all y'alls who you are today?

Prais Jesus!

I watched "Jesus Camp", a documentary about children being indoctrinated into Evangelical Christianity last night and found it very interesting. I really should use the word emotionally blackmailed into Christianity instead of "indoctrination" because their tactics are kind of harsh. The leaders of Jesus camp pretty much make the kids feel that if Jesus isn't talking directly to them, well, then they must be doing something wrong because just look around you. Jesus is talking to all the other kids. "I must not be trying hard enough" or "I guess God doesn't love me enough yet" seems to be plastered on their poor little faces.

I could say the kids are being brainwashed because their pat answers and preachings are memorized drivel. When the kids are presented with a subject they haven't been coached on they certainly falter as they appear to have no original thoughts to process or reasoning to use as a back up to form an opinion. They stumble until they can wrangle the question on to familiar territory. The pro life segment is particularly painful to watch; if memory serves the photo shown here was taken from that little segment.

The interesting thing about the film is that it isn't a slam on the Christians, their beliefs or tactics. It's a pretty straight-forward documentary, not biased either way. I am willing to bet that any Evangelical Christian watching it would be pleased with the end product (with the possible exception of Rev. Haggard's crank-induced preaching/gay bashing. But come to think of it, probably not). Funny how two completely different opinions can be obtained from the same film. The chasm between the believers and those of us who are heathens certainly is evident when watching the Christies wrestle with subjects ranging from abortion, home schooling (75% of home schooled children are Evangelical), George Bush all the way to homosexuality. I pity the poor kids in the audience who will have to confront their own homosexuality in a few years after the exposure to this set of beliefs.

Random thoughts

Another one of those math problems from an actual test turned in by some student in Louisiana. This genius must have really flown through the exercise.

I have been able to keep off the few pounds I managed to lose while suffering from my illness but I have also noticed that I have had little energy and have been going to bed around 9:30 most nights. I think I'm not eating enough, possibly. Or I could just be lazy. Or old.

A couple good days of weather and I'm surprised when the rain comes back and the temperatures drop. You'd think by now----my 9th winter here---that I would come to grips with warm, sunny weather not realling being here for summer until July. Some people never learn.

I'm puzzled with what to make of sex offenders like this one, or rather what to do with them. We put them in prison when convicted with somewhat lesser crimes and am then surprised when they get out and continue to be sex offenders and add in additional skills, like kidnapping and murder. Evidently there's no cure so should we always lock them up and throw away the key? I'd hate to be the person(s) who paroled him on his earlier charges.

To this I say "who gives a flying fuck?"....and I will continue to do so. Game over, go home---once you are let out of rehab that is.

And headlines read: Duh!

Juno shut down because of snow. Alaska? Snow? Who'd have seen that coming. Duh.

Seals in the rivers of Oregon eating endangered salmon. Salmon is yummy and seals are….well, seals and probably hungry. Seals don't do drive-thru. Duh.

Bush cutting infant's Federally funded health care if parents aren't citizens. But if the babies are born in America they are citizens. And if they're citizens, when they grow up they can be sent off to fight in Iraq, which I'm sure will still be dragging on in 18 years. So if they die as infants because they don't get the proper medical care, then they can't fight and die in Iraq. Bush needs to re-think that one. Or come up with an exit strategy. Duh.

UPDATE:
Headline: Jury convicts Libby on four of five charges. And to that I give one last huge DUH!

***********************************

Here's another test question and answer brought to us by the good folks of some school board in Louisiana, just like yesterday's.

Enjoy. I love the teacher's comment. (click on the image for a better view)

Rufus is coming to Seattle!

This Rufus....

......not this Rufus.....
.....will be in Seattle for two shows, Sunday April 22nd and Monday the 23rd. Since I have tickets to see David Sedaris in Portland on the 22nd I tried to get tickets to the Monday show but it's sold out! In fact both shows are sold out. Bummer, dude! I need to be at that Monday show, MUST BE at it. I placed a "tickets wanted" ad in both the Seattle and Portland Craig's list but haven't hard a peep yet. I have a feeling I am to be bummed. If you know of anyone who will part with their tickets I need 4, so please let me know by leaving me a comment.

Thanks tons.

And now, I received this along with a few other examples from my sister. They are all actual questions and answers pulled from student exams and all originate from the very lofty and prestigous Louisiana school system, so I got an even bigger kick out of them. The one below was my favorite. Man, haven't we all been there before. Click on the shot for a better view.

Remember, keep me in mind for those Rufus tickets, don't make me draw the last step of that equation.

And finally, I am feeling the need to be creative so I'm starting up my PaD (photo a day) Pbase site again. The shot of Rufus is today's post.
Hopefully I can regain the enthusiasm and post at least 3 or 4 times a week.

Happy Monday!

"I like mass murder with a nice Chianti"

It seems Blogger thinks I have a big fucking mouth because it's not letting me post any comments, not as my "old blogger" login or as my "not beta" login, sometimes not even anonymously, either. Commie-pinko Blogger is censoring me!! So if any of you who read me are wondering why you are being deprived of my witty, insightful comments blame it on Blogger, I am trying but it's an uphill battle. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Tonight the Roommate and I are going to a movie at Cinetopia where they have fine dining and a full bar, so we can buy a bottle of wine and watch the movie. I told the Roommate that today I am looking forward to my 2 favorite things together this evening, wine and mass murder, as we are going to see Zodiac (photo above). The Roommate responded that those are also the two things I think about most at work as well. Which is also true.

Not a whole lot else going on. Have an above average weekend.

Shoo flu, don't bother me!

Finally! Today I feel human! Sorry I hadn't posted the last two days but I was besieged at work and had a sinus headache from hell the last two days. Finally, I can move my head a millimeter without blinding pain. I see a light at the end of the tunnel---of the flu, anyway.

I had the most clever idea for a post while sitting in a training session today (IP-VPN anyone?) but along with the drowsy feeling of sitting in a darkened room with a steaming cup of tea, the idea has also vanished. I guess this is a sign of the aging process getting a leg up and I'd be the last to argue that one. The one truth in this world is that no one is getting younger, and that means you too, Joan Rivers. Damn, and if memory serves, the post kind of wrote itself. Miss Lazy just can't get a break.

I don't have anything else for ya, so enjoy the photo of Rusty (one of my biggest fans) and have a decent evening.

Oscar Night recap!

After reading my usual blogs this morning it appears the order of the day is bash the Oscars as being superficial and self celebratory and I can only somewhat agree. Although I am more in tune with the Independent Spirit awards which are presented the day before the Oscars with less gilt, pomp and circumstance I do enjoy the yearly spectacle that is the Academy rewarding their own. I don't get out to movies that often, the Roommate tends to get hijacked to all the good ones without me so I usually wait till the DVD rolls out before I get to view the best of the best, so the special preview that the Oscars affords me is greatly appreciated, allowing me to pick the films I really want to see. This was the rare year when I actually did manage to see quite a few of the nominated, so that was an added bonus.

So by now you already realize I did in fact watch the majority of the presentation but I did not do so at home sitting on my ass and eating a lot of cheese. This year I volunteered to work a benefit put on to finance the restoration of a fine Portland landmark. Film Action Oregon put on Oscar Night America as a benefit to promote it's organization and to help rejuvenating the grand old theater and I assisted by helping out my friend Pat who catered the event as well as provided the cosmos. So that was fun, I got to help out a friend, a theater and watch the show at the same time. Good times, good times. My only regret is that I didn't wear sensible shoes.

Here are some shots of the historic Hollywood Theater, built before movies had sound*!

Outside the theater today.

The theater, getting ready for opening day.

Close up of the detail of the theater's crown.

*No, I wasn't born yet.

Weekend Update

Flu I don’t know if I’m asking too much but I am still battling this stupid plague and it doesn’t seem to want to go away, much to the chagrined of anyone sitting in front of me at any one of the 3 movies I’ve gone to in as many days. This may also be the reason I haven’t gotten any better, I haven’t slowed down that much.

The weekend Just about all my friends are out of town this weekend, including Boytek and the Roommate, so pretty much the only company I have is Rufus and the dog I’m sitting for my friend Leigh, who’s lounging by a pool somewhere near Palm Springs. I’ve been taking Rufus with me when I let Guinness out, just so Guinness gets plenty of exercise in the short time I’m there but when they’re together they’re like 2 Tasmanian Devils on speed. So far today I’ve taken Guinness for a walk, gone to a movie (Factory Girl, really good), made a big ass pot of jambalaya and am about to bake some oatmeal cookies (see the Maggpie for the recipe, only 94 calories per cookie!). When I’m done it’s back to Devil duty. Tomorrow I’m working an Oscar party (pre and post) so I don’t know when I’ll have time to clean the house, let alone rest and recuperate.

IKEA The local IKEA they’re building to house all things fabulous is progressing nicely; they’ve gotten all the exterior walls erected (snicker snicker) so things are looking good for a summer opening. Only problem the Roommate’s house was built in the early 1940’s so it’s relatively small compared to the McMansions sprouting up in the suburbs, so it will be difficult to shop at IKEA and not actually buy furniture since out house has more than enough furnishings as it is. Well, at least tea candles are less than 5 miles away when in a pinch!

So there you go. Enjoy the Oscars tomorrow night!

Update to the update:
I made the cookies and they are fantastic! I did make a few changes, I used Splenda instead of sugar and added raisns. And I used a high end apple butter, Stonewall Kitchen's Caramel Apple Butter to be exact---and I would think $8.99 for 12 oz is considered high end. Two thumbs up!

On working from home and rambling stories going nowhere, seemingly pointlessly.

*

Today, since I’m still sick (sorry iamnot, but I am) I worked from home. Yesterday I was IMing with a coworker and mentioned I was working from home although it was pretty much forbidden per company policy to do so. My coworker stated that she worked from home from time to time (she has two young kids) as did her boss but didn’t understand it was against company policy and why were we issued laptops if we couldn’t work remotely, anyway? I stated that was just what I had been told a while back when another coworker told me the story of some guy who had worked in our office but decided to buy a big chunk of land out in some Midwestern state and intended on working remotely until he was told otherwise. Evidently he hadn’t cleared it with his supervisor and had a rude awakening after moving out to the middle of nowhere and being forced to commute 2 hours each way to the nearest Hugs and Kisses office. Fun, imagine buying a plot of land to get away from the rat race and end up having to drag your ass about 120 miles each direction, five days a week, anyway. That would seriously have to suck and I think I would have to have some sort of conniption fit or pass out like those fine southern ladies used to in old movies back when women wore corsets and were the weaker sex.

But I digress (that’s for you Shawna) so let’s just go ahead and travel back in time to my original thought about working from home. So, my coworker was surprised we couldn’t work from home and I told her I didn’t know if it was true or not but I wasn’t going to change my practices either way since I’ve been on many a team conference calls with my boss---who was on speaker phone---and unless she has a grandfather’s clock and a barking dog in her cube I suspected she works from home as well. With that statement my coworker said that I was funny and hoped my cube was going to be close to hers after the huge remodel in our office is complete next month! I can’t believe I haven’t blogged about that subject yet. So the office space my branch now occupies is cavernous, huge, I tell ya. The area my sole cube is situated in is probably 20 x 50 feet (imagine if you will a single cube sitting in that kind of a s p a c e ) and I’m the only one there---mind you, the only cube in that entire space to be exact! I can go a whole day without seeing a soul!-----which is exactly what I told my coworker stating that I see no reason to commute 45 minutes each way (if I’m lucky) to sit by myself and not see a single other employee all day. I can be lonely and unloved without wasting all that gas and getting out of my pj’s, thank you very much. But I digress again (and again, that’s for you Shawna) because I was talking about the remodel. Well, the office park our office is situated in has H&K smack next door to this company that manufactures some sort of miracle bandages that are quite popular with our boys in Iraq, so you can imagine that business is BOOMING!!! (Please note caps and multiple punctuations, that’s how popular those band aids are) and they therefore need more room, more square footage to be exact, to make more lifesaving bandages. And since there’s only 5 bodies in our huge ass warehouse of an office, the band aid company asked if they could blow out a wall and take over some of our acreage. Sidebar: at the risk of being douced, H&K is about the worst run company I have ever come across so any “easy” way to cut costs (ie: layoffs), as opposed to actually changing processes and making the company more efficient and the like, is jumped upon. All this said---and I’m kind of getting lightheaded from all these twists and turns this post is acquiring---come March our office will become a swirling dustbin of smashed walls and torn up carpet, and that’s no place for hard working slaves like us H&K drones. So we will be forced into mandatory WORK FROM HOME mode. As I’m sure you can tell, I’m heartbroken to be deprived my tightly knit office environment and all that other happy horseshit associated therein. When I told the Roomate about having to be forced to work from home he made some offhand comment about sleeping in and extra long lunch hour naps, but I know he understands how this upheaval will affect me. He understands, hell, he works there, too.

Now the interesting part is my boss (said with a straight face) will be coming to town next month and expects to spend a day with me at the office. And by office I do NOT mean my house. So let’s just make sure that’s straight from the start. She’s not taking a 2 hour lunch time nap with me, I don’t care how big my work-from-home-bed is. Period.

*Not my current work cube but you get the drift.

Shocker! (Published from my deathbed)

What? Britney is back in rehab? Who on god's green earth would have seen that coming? And who'd have thought K-Fed would turn out to be a better parent (at first glance at least)?

Some people should not be allowed to breed.

Has it been asked to leave yet?

If there's one thing I hate it those who don't know when to fucking leave, and this cold/flu/plague falls into that category, along with George Bush, the mullet and American Idol, already! This plague's approval rating is hovering down there just above Dub-ya but somehow causing a lot less pain and suffering, just enough to make me miserable.

But enough about coughing up brown shit (not green, BROWN. Where the hell did THAT come from?)---and brown shit in general (Senior Prez) for that matter. Guess what I did? I uploaded the photos from The Roommate's Very Excellent Birthday in San Diego with a side trip to South of the Border*!

I may have mentioned that the Roommate was under the impression that it was going to be a very small birthday celebration in San Diego, but boy, was he wrong...because he was greeted at the airport by this gangly bunch (it was 6 am, after all). And the surprises were only just beginning! Once on the plane and in flight I let the flight attendant know it was the Roommate's birthday so we got a round of free drinks (yea!) and then when I went to the washroom the same attendant asked the birthday boy's name because she was going to lead the entire plane in a sing along to "Happy Birthday", which was fun. Then the pilot got on the PA and announced "Flight attendants, prepaire for landing....happy birthday [Roommate]". Everyone had pleasant salutations.
Once safely delivered to our hotel I informed the Roommate that there were other surprises in store for him. One, that his friend Vicki was already in town and two, that she had arranged for a boat cruise around the bay for us all! I must admit the Roommate got a bit choaked up.

Once the boating was out of the way it was time to drink, eat and feed bait to the fishes at this cute little Mexican cantina on the water. Lots of cocktails and basking in the outhern California sun to pass the afternoon.

Later on we went out on the town but I don't remember a whole lot of where we went. I kind of made it an early evening.

The next day we got up, ate and drank and headed to the border via the trolley. Unfortunately I didn't take many pictures as my hands were occupied with tequilia shots.

The Roommate and Diane wrecking their backs; no trip to Tijuana is complete without a jump about on a trampoline. Nor is it complete without a blind drunk. Fun!

Although some of the crowd caught the early flight out Sunday morning, the stragglers were able to do a bit of sight seeing with Jen, our friend and limo driver. Can you tell I had a super-dooper hang over? I didn't think so either.

On the flight to San Diego the Roommate informed me that the "chili at the house" party I had thrown the weekend before was pretty lame, but that I had made up for it with this trip, which I had been planning forever. Yep, I am a fucking fabulous great party thrower. Want to be my new best friend?

* So you see how I am, don't ya, I wait until everyone has stopped alternating between nagging, begging and threatening me to post aforementioned photos and just when they give up all hope of ever seeing them.....I post them, to little or no fanfare. Such is life at the house of Suz. Now excuse me while I hack up a brownie.

*sniff, snort*

To whom it may concern,
Please excuse Susan from Blog as she has come down with a nasty cold that is probably actually the flu but who's keeping score. Please send her homework assignments home with the Roommate, who's the one that brought this plague into our home in the first place and is therefore responsible for doing my make up work.
Susan's mom


Sorry kiddos, I've been in sick bay all weekend, and by "all weekend", yes, I mean I got President's Day off from work but not from sick. To add insult to injury I actually did a couple hours of work yesterday as well. Holidy + sick + work = hating life. Yea Me! This shit hit me like a load of bricks around 6 pm on Friday so I've been a ball of fun ever since.

Yesterday the Roommate, Boytek and I celebrated Presidents Day but decided to omit 3 of the last 4 presidents on principal. See if you can guess which three---if you guess wrong then you're just a tard.

Yeah, I'm snippy when I'm sick.

And finally, here's a little joke for you:
Why can't lesbians diet and wear makeup at the same time?

Because you can't eat Jenny Craig when you have Mary Kay on your face.

snicker snicker

I heart VD, yes I do! I heart VD, how 'bout you?

Yep, it's that day again, the day when we are forced to say "I love you" just like most days only today---it's gonna cost ya. Because of this Hallmark invented holiday we are forced to say it with flowers, dinner and chocolate. Yep, that's how I want to know someone loves me---forced.

Now you're probably thinking I'm bitter. Well, I am, about a lot of things but not Valentines Day. I'd rather get almost anything any other day of the year as a token of affection than the required on the expected. Because you HAVE to and all. Oh, and make a show of it, too, have a hundred heart shaped mylar balloons delivered to your honey's workplace so everyone who didn't get squat feels bad for themselves while secretly hating your beloved. And no, the reason I worked from home today is NOT because there's no one to send me roses at Hugs and Kisses.

But that was very cute of me, wasn't it? I get Hugs & Kisses every fucking day, so there. Too bad they're painful.

Greetings from.....

....beautiful Spokane, Washington! I settled into my hotel room at 7:00 pm, with a lovely miniature bottle of Merlot (yes, fucking Merlot!) and a roll of Tums, because they deep fry mac and cheese here and this isn't even Arkansas. Or Oklahoma!

Need I say more? Pray for me----oh, and a 7 am wake up call would be lovely.

It's all about questions.

Stole this from Kali. Color me lazy today.

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Since it's usually the Roommate calling, I'll say him.

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Yep, unless it's raining.

In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? I used to be shy but now I'm a talker.
Do you take compliments well?
Nope, I guess I don't believe the complimenter.

Do you play Sudoku?
Don't even know what it is.

If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
Probably not very long.

Have you ever been in love?
Yes.

Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Girl Scout day camp.

What was your favorite sport as a kid?
I didn't play sports at all but I watched football (Go Cowboys!).

Use three words to describe yourself?
Funny, scared, disappointed.

Do any songs make you cry?
No, but movies can.

Are you continuing your education?
School of hard knocks count?

Do you know how to shoot a gun?
I have only shot a gun once, at a shooting range, and although it was fun I don't like guns.

If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you’d grab?
Rufus, the frog and artwork. The evil cat can fend for herself.

How often do you read books?
Constantly.

Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Present.

What is your favorite children’s book?
Children's Garden of Verses by Robert Lewis Stevenson. Did you expect "Everyone Poops"?

Were is your dream house located?
Tropical island.

Do you like mustard?
Hello random! Love it, especially the chunky kind.

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Eat.

Do you look like your mom or dad?
I don't think I look like either. Maybe the mail man?

How long does it take you in the shower?
15 to twenty minutes. I have long legs and they take a while to shave.

Can you do splits?
Nope.

What movie do you want to see right now?
Factory Girl, I am fascinated by Andy Warhol.

What did you do for New Year’s?
Dr T at Kennedy School.

Do you own a camera phone?
My Hugs and Kisses phone has a camera but not my personal cell. Yes, I'm a geek and have two.

Was your mom a cheerleader?
No, but I was in pep squad.

What’s the last letter of your name?
Both first and last ends with an N.

Do you like care bears?
They are dumb. I wish I had one because I'd give it to Rufus and let him pick out it's eyes.

What do you buy at the movies?
Not a whole lot.

Do you know how to play poker?
Not well. No, change that, pretty much not at all.

Do you wear your seatbelt?
Always, I drive a Jeep and those puppies roll.

What do you wear to sleep?
A tank top and thong; you never know who's going to be at the house at any given moment. Or if I had been out drinking, all my clothes, including the shoes.

Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Not really sure which city would constitute as my home town, but I did live in Dallas and we all know what happened in Deally Plaza.

How many meals do you eat a day?
One that lasts sunrise to sunset.

Is your tongue pierced?
Nope.

Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny, hands down.

Ever been to L.A.?
Several times, all pretty much to see Rufus Wainwright.

Do you use cuss words in other languages?
Oddly enough, I know how to say "fuck" in Latin.

Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I don't have an Ipod or MP3 player.

What do you and your parents fight about the most?
I don't fight with my mom, but if we did it would be politics. Dad's dead, so we don't really talk.

If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
Studio artist.

Are you easy to get along with?
Extremely, except when drunk and then I'm an asshole. Just ask the Roommate.

What is your favorite time of day?
Happy hour. I know, shocking.

Anna Nicole Smith, can it get any weirder?

Ok, I must ask you, can it get any more weird?

Marrying an octogenarian oil tycoon, train wreck of a reality show and mysterious death aside, this paternity suite for dearly departed Anna Nicole Smith has taken a turn toward the twilight zone. Anytime you add Zsa Zsa Gabor to a story, things start to get a little to weird for real life. You know, come to think of it, I could be the father of that child. Maybe I'll get in on this game before EVERYONE throws their hat into the ring.

Hey, Shawna, add Ms Smith to your blog and I bet you'll get tons of hits!

Chachacha changes!

Blogger forced me to upgrade to Beta, only it's not Beta anymore but whatever. If denial is that easy then I'm not old, so there.

I know some of the writers of blogs I read regularly have had a holy hell shit experience when forced to change to NotBeta but so far so good for me. Fingers crossed.

The Roommate and I went to see The Queen last night and Helen Mirren did a superb job portraying an up tight twit, but she always does a great job with whatever role she portrays. Prince Charles was portrayed as a spineless sniveling twit and I always thought of him as strong, yet dumb in an inbred sort of way; Prince Phillip was the one I always viewed as spineless, I mean he's old and he's still a prince and he's never getting a promotion. His wife is the queen so she pretty much should be the one wearing the pants in the family. Queen mother was kind of spiteful but she was always viewed as sweet, so maybe they were playing everyone against their assumed personalities. Who knows, but it was highly entertaining.

But what was most interesting about the movie is basically what's interesting about the way the Roommate and I go to movies, with a backpack full of goodies, and when I say goodies I mean a bottle of wine, turkey jerky, smoked salmon and triple cheese Kettle chips. He did buy some whoppers at the theater, so they did make SOME money off of us. I highly suggest you go to movies like this, especially if it's a kiddie flick you're taking in. A lovely Oregon Pinot Noir goes great with cartoons.

When the part about Diana dying came up the Roommate turned to me and wispered "I remember exactly where I was when I learned Diana had died, Mayflower Hotel in Seattle". I responded "Me too, I was sitting on the toilet taking a dump at my friend Mark's house". I guess it's our generation's version of "Where were you when you heard Kennedy had been shot?". Go ahead and post where you were when you had heard the news of the royal death, may be interesting. Then again, it may not be either, only time will tell, so do your part and comment.

I *heart* Roman NY!

Two years ago, in Sept. '04, the Roommate took me to NYC for my birthday; it was my fist time there as an adult. Although we had planned on going to all the museums and doing the sigh-seeing thing we only managed to visit a few of the many attractions, Central Park being one. So this short story is about just that day.

We went to the park early in the day, say mid morning, and the Roommate wanted to see the park via horse drawn carriage. It being late September, the weather was perfect for an open carriage ride around the park. As we neared Tavern on the Green we were approached by a beautiful young man with blond hair and a Russian accent who asked if we were interested in a bicycle-rickshaw ride around the park, to which the Roommate informed him that we had our hearts set on a carriage ride. The nice (looking) young man politely informed us that carriage rides were much more expensive than his offering and that the horse-drawn carriages were limited to only certain portions of the park, and that since he didn't have anything else going on that day, we could negotiate for however long we liked. Well, what we liked was this nice young Russian, so in the carriage we climbed.

Roman, our driver (?) was very informative about all the sights in the park and all the different parts of the park to see. We posed as he took our photo and enjoyed great times for several hours. Roman told us all about himself, his beautiful girlfriend (even had a photo) and offered to take us anywhere we wanted---for no extra charge---even Time Square! So we took him up on it, imagine NYC rush hour in a bicycle-powered contraption! Roman asked us if we wanted him to take us to a genuine vodka room, so we of course answered to the affirmative: Yes, Roman, take us to the Vodka Room! There we sipped many vodkas and enjoyed many laughs with our new Russian friend. Then we realized how late it was and that we had tickets to a Broadway show shortly, so we bid our new friend adieu, after exchanging phone numbers, of course. We went to the show (Hairspray, front row center) and as we exited the theater, who did we see in the street with his bicycle rickshaw, but Roman, squiring 2 middle aged ladies around the theater district. The Roommate called out and ran to Roman, who of course recognized him since it had only been a few hours since our parting, and let me tell you, those ladies didn't so much like the Roommate welching in on their Roman time. It was a crazy end to a crazy-fun day, and one of my favorite memories from that trip.

Fast forward to just before Christmas 2006: the Roommate is exchanging e-mail with some friends who had moved from Portland to Minnesota, Lisa and Don. They tell him they are heading to New York City for Christmas so the Roommate give them Roman's cell number and tell them to call him for a good time in Central Park. Well, we haven't heard the story yet but this photo popped up in the Roommate's inbox today. Our friend Lisa in Roman's bike-thingie. I can't wait to hear the story.

If you're ever going to NYC ask for Roman's number, good times, good times.

DRINK!

I am under a deadline to get a dispute resolved but instead I am here blogging. Yeah, I have a problem.

Anywho, I just wanted to give a little shout out to my favorite wine shop in Portland, Cork, which happens to be conveniently located within walking distance to our house. Or stumbling distance, depending on which direction I am headed.

Anyway, I registered online to take a beginner's wine tasting class there and now am registered to order wine on line! I can even get it delivered to my house if I'm too lazy to walk the 5 blocks to the shop to pick it up. Too bad I can't drink it online, then I'd be drinking now, at work at 9:00 am.

Anyway, if you are a wine-o, check out their site. It's a great shop with great, knowledgeable staffers and they specialize in 100 wines for under twenty bucks! How great is that! Plus they have weekly wine tasting on Fridays and the shop is on my way home from work! Happy Happy Hour! Check 'em out!

Ok, back to the dispute! Toast to me, everyone!

Rufus look (and act) alike

A friend sent me this shot because the dog reminded him of my Rufus. Man that dog caught some air! Not sure where the photo came from but it looks like this little guy was shot out of a cannon. Fly, Rufus, fly!!!

Google Image Search: Insomnia

Several times a year this happens to me, I just have way too much trouble falling asleep and then even more trouble staying asleep. I've been having issues the last few weeks but last night was definitely the worst. I figure I got a total of 2 hours sleep over the course of the night, I know I got up several times and just laid there awake for hour-plus spans a good chunk of the night. Poor Rufus's sleep was interrupted, and he likes to show his disapproval by squiggling around on his back and making grinding sounding growls. What keeps me awake is my inability to breath, sinuses are in an uproar despite the best efforts of my buddies Benedryl and Sudaphed. Even as I type this I am laboring for breath, something that is uncomfortable during the day but completely prevents slumber at night. Not sure how I'm going to solve this one; a good rain might be the answer, since it's been pretty dry here for winter time, so that may be the culprit.

Did anyone catch that acid-induced pre-game show before the Super Bowl yesterday? Could you have any more movement, bright color blocks and Keith Herring-esque squiggles on the field? The only part I liked about it was the guy with balloons who floated up and down. Oh, and I liked when it ended, too. That was the best part of Pre Game.

All About Me

I was asked to prepare a brief bio of myself and description of my job for our branch so I thought I'd share with all of you (yes, this means I still haven't downloaded the San Diego photos, keep your pants on, already!). Here goes:

I was raised in Louisiana (but did eventually learn to read although math is still a challenge) but moved to Oregon from Dallas, Texas. I spent the last 8 years in customer service at "Asshole Co." but jumped ship when Other Telecom bought them out. I'm a visual artist (accepted to two group shows last year and intend on having a one woman show this year---stay tuned), love to travel, am an amateur writer and an avid "action chef" (if you're nice to me I'll make Jambalaya for Mardi Gras! See how I worked in my Louisiana upbringing?) but spend most of my free time trying to keep my manic dog, Rufus (named after the singer, Rufus Wainwright) from chewing all my earthly possessions while maintaining his extensive collection of muzzles, harnesses, leashes and shock collars. I love Portland, especially NE where I reside with my best friend in a house known for exquisite entertaining. People think I'm funny (but in a good way---well, mostly). This concludes the "More info than most people know about Susan" essay (this essay doubles as my resume, FYI).

Feel free to edit as you see fit.

My job as an ARM (Account Retention Manager) officially consists of maintaining a relationship with the top revenue generating customers in the Portland area in order to retain and grow their business with H&K. This position also includes a lot of hand holding and groveling.

So, he said keep it light. Too much?

Because I care, and it's been a while since I posted.

So, obviously this isn't a shot of the San Diego coast or a photo of the Gasslamp area, althought it could possibly be a photo taken in Tijuana, but it ain't. I just thought that since I'm taking my good sweet time uploading my photo from last weekend's BIRTHDAY FIESTA, I'd do a quick post that would be both witty and timely. Since it's almost Super Bowl Sunday, here's a little story about chili.

I made up this completely vegan chili recipe out of no where, just made it up in my head and the Roommate, who will pretty much eat anything I cook, ordained it the best chili ever. Yeah, I out did myself. So now I'm stuck writing the recipe down and following it to the letter because I usually action cook* and throw in whatever suits my mood. But on this occasion the Roommate insists I make it the exact same way always, by my own recipe including the cornbread.

Now although I'm an awesome cook, I don't have the patience to bake---too many rules and if you action bake* you will come up with flat pastries and runny cookies---and no one likes that. So while we were at Trader Joe's one day I decided to pick up a box of cornbread mix----only a fat dumb bitch was standing right in front of them blocking my view, so I was forced to snort loudly, reach around her girth, give her stink eye and grab a box off the shelf. Went home, made chili and cornbread and the Roommate LOVED the corn bread, and doesn't it have a slight lemon flavor? And sooooo yummy! The cornbread was so good with the chili that the next time I made chili, I made a special trip to Trader Joe's to get the exact same brand of cornbread. Only problem is that there was NOT a fat bitch standing in front of the cornbread mix, so this time I did notice that it was not in fact cornbread mix, but actually lemon CAKE mix. Yep, cake, it's what's for dinner.

Anywho, now every time I make chili the Roommate insists that I make that same cornbread and I promptly remind him that it was not in fact cornbread, but lemon CAKE, and CAKE is desert, not dinner. Although it was awful good.

So tonight when I made chili I picked up a box of Krusteaz Honey Cornbread and Muffin Mix (ask for it by name) and added the juice of one lemon. Well, it's tasty, not CAKE, and it could actually use the juice of a second lemon, and probably a little more honey. But at least it is not CAKE. And that's what's for dinner.

* The Jackson Pollock version of cooking.