Mute Monday: Winter

Winter at the Oregon Coast.

Winter in Key West.

Take a wild stab at where I'd prefer to be.

Oh, yeah, and Happy New Year!

Taken at our hotel in Cabo. Yes, I'm only just getting around to uploading the photos.

Sweet Holy Jesus!

If you are a regular reader of this blog you already that The Baby Jesus has been kidnapped! The Roommate and I thought he might have turned up while we were in Mexico, lying on a tiny towel on the beach, but he did not. We also thought he might miraculously appear in his ceramic manger on Christmas Eve, but he did not. We were hoping for a Christmas Miracle, yet again, he did not show. Yesterday evening a mass e-mail went out to a handful of his followers with the following message:

BJ here,
http://babyjesusishostage.bravehost.com
Here is a website they have done about my trials and tribulations in the last month.....please...pray for my safe return. I may be sending a replacement for the next year during my travels.
BJ

Evidentially BJ is enjoying his travels, even if he was taken against his will. Pray for his safe return.

What would Jesus do if he was hit with a broom?

What is the world coming to? Priests brawling at the birthplace of Christ. Can't we all just get along? Evidently Armenians are a little bit possessive of their turf, if you will.

Religions should be banned. They cause nothing but trouble.

Post Christmas Post Mortum

House of Suz tip of the day:
Plan your visit to the DMV on Christmas Eve. I had to renew my license and was in and out in 10 minutes and the normally grumpy and less-than-helpful employees evidently had been bit by the Christmas spirit bug. I kid you not, it was easily the most enjoyable DMV experience of my life.

Sunday the Roommate announced that his mission for the day was to buy a new car, so off to the BMW dealership we went. The Roommate had been batting around the idea of getting a BMW for some time, had test driven a few; as with most things with the Roommate, immediate gratification set in, decided he was tired of his "hoopty" Jetta and he HAD to get a new car that very day. We test drove a nice 330 something or other (they don't have names, just model numbers. You'd think at those prices they'd hire a marketing department to dole out sexy names for those things) and the Roommate was ready to buy it but one problem, they didn't have the loaded version in the color he wanted, so he decided to try another BMW dealership. Since he was leaving empty handed I suggested we swing by a Toyota dealership and we take a peak at a Prius, being the responsible option what did we have to lose? I am happy to report that the Roommate is now no longer part of the problem, he purchased a gunmetal grey Prius, loaded with leather interior and all. 50 miles to the gallon, baby---we'll wave at you as we pass you at the pumps. I am so incredibly proud of his decision, especially since several of our coworkers are Beamer drivers and they were pressing him to join their club, but it's hard to argue with 50 miles per gallon in the city. The BMW he looked at got all of 19.

On Monday the Roommate was going to run some movies back to the video store and he decided to take Rufus with him---that dog love rideinthecar---so he asked if he could take my Jeep. White dog hair in a brand new car with a gray interior is a big no-no, yesk it is just not done. As I handed him my keys I asked "Are you sure you remember how to drive a stick?" and he smugly responded "Yes, I do recall how to ruin the environment".

He put a big bow on his car and left it like that in the driveway for 2 days.

And finally, Christmas came and went without a visit from The BJ. We are all very saddened. Some bastard is going to smoke a turd in hell for that one.

Personality of the Year

It's that time of the year when publications roll out their "The Year That Was" issues and present their "Person of the Year". Time recently named Vladimir Putin their Man of the Year. Stephen Colbert was named the most influential person of 2007 yesterday, but I can't remember who presented him with that honor. So now it's time for me to announce the official House of Suz Personality of the Year.

Rufus the Wonderdog

Status determined by the number of times the winner graced the pages of this site.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't written, I'm just busy ignoring the cold and rain and trying desperately to pretend myself back to Mexico. So far it ain't working, but my momma didn't raise no quitter.

I'm (almost) outta here.

So far this week I've:
-Purchased all the Xmas gifts for my family, wrapped them and packaged them for shipment to Florida
-Addressed our Xmas cards and mailed them
-Cleaned the bathroom
-Decorated the house for Xmas
-Made arrangements for transport from airport to the hotel*

Still need to:
-Give Rufus the Beast a bath
-Trim said Beast's toe nails (with Benedryl's and Boytek's help)
-Put away all the printers and supplies from the Xmas card making extravaganza
-Sweep and vacuum
-Pack
-Situate the Beast with his sitter
-Get the frog and cat prepped for their sitters
-Exchange dollars for pesos
-Call Volunteers of America to come pick up some crap the Roommate wants to get rid of

After all that I WILL need a vacation, even if it's a short one. Chat with ya later! Adios!

*The funny thing is I used my personal e-mail address when I book the transfers---so now I am getting spam in Spanish. El Spamo!

Mute Monday

Submission

Suz the weathergirl, part 2

Outside

Right now

It's SNOWING.

I'm soooooooooooooo glad I'll be in Mexico in a few days.

Fun with marshmallows.

I was just at the gym and as I cycled on the stationary bike (a metaphor for my life) I observed a rather rotund young woman position a large pink exercise ball in place and then sit on in. For a minute there it looked as if someone had stacked one marshmallow on top of another and then gently smashed them together a little. I'm afraid I laughed out loud, but just a bit.

Suz the weather girl

Weather forecast for Cabo San Lucas:

Mostly sunny and temperatures in the low 80's

........................................

Forecast for Portland OR:

Overcast and rain, temperatures in the low 40's

Even the "sunny" graphic is better quality than the rainy one. I am sooooooooooo looking forward to Cabo next week.

Save me, it's Christmas!

You gotta love Christmas shows, especially variety Christmas shows with Aimee Mann! I had purchased tickets back in October for her second annual Xmas show (last year's show didn't make it to Portland) and although I was expecting a normal concert was delighted when it turned out to be a surprising mix of traditional and original Christmas tunes, funny short films, stand up and guest singers, and concluded with everyone singing a finale. Very fun and never boring---Aimee even played a few of her non-holiday fare, including my favorite anthem "Save Me" (as a special Christmas bonus here's the live version and the star studded version here). Great show and third row seats, wootwoot!

While she was singing "Save Me" I remembered another Aimee Mann concert from a few years ago; as she sang the opening song I leaned over to the Roommate and whispered "I wish I were Aimee Mann" and without missing a beat he replied "I wish you were Aimee Mann, too". Nice, always full of compliments.

A feature of the show included three short funny films, all featuring Aimee trying to convince Hollywood celebrities to do her show with her. There's a portion where she's trying to ask Ben Stiller, who is behaving like the pompous ass he portrayed in that episode of "Extras" to perfection; as Aimee gives up and walks away, Stiller yells "Hey, in your show why don't you sing that song, the depressing one. Yeah." with a smirk, which is a scream and had to be ad libbed.
After the show we hung out at the bar for a couple cocktails and a plate of french fries and a couple of Aimee's band members showed up. I gave the cute bass player a thumbs up and he smiled and nodded back, so I guess you could say we partied with the band. At least that's what I'm saying when I retell the story.

And finally, since I'm being all holiday-generous, here's a bunch of bonus clips from last year's show. So get in the Christmas spirit, already and remember, Jesus is coming, look

busy.

She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey!

My hands reek of bleach. Last night I got called into my "other work place" to be the bartender and waiter all by my lonesome, front of the house all at my mercy. Thank god it was a slow night, I was dreading a huge rush and me loosing my shit all over the place. I managed to make some perfect drinks (martinis and Spanish coffees!) when called upon and had no problem with the wine list or the food menu. A job well done, if I do say so my self. Yea me! Plus I got to squirrel away some more tip money for Cabo.

I dreamed that I was dreaming and woke up and saw that I had two and a half hours until my alarm would go off. Yea! More sleep, I thought. Then my alarm went off. In real life. Just feel cheated.

Only one more week of getups before heading to Mexico. Big Yea! And while in Cabo we will be checking out this place because they have a chef there named Jesus, and he may just be my missing Baby J. And sadly, no, there has been no further contact from the abducted Baby Jesus. I am thinking of adopting a little brown baby from Africa or an Asian tot perhaps, a la Angie Jolie, to replace him, what with the holidays quickly approaching and all. Problem is I only want the kid through the holidays and I don't think they let you rent them by the day. Bummer. I guess I need to post another blog about the abducted Christ figurine to see if I get another e-mail. Hint hint.

Disclaimer:
Yes, I know this is a lame post but I just wanted to get a few paragraphs of type in between the banner and that picture yesterday.

Surprise!

Still no word from Baby Jesus, the e-mail trail dried up faster than it materialized. Scrooge certainly took Christ out of Christmas this year.

Mute Monday: Color

I learned over the weekend that Rufus is "red" in Latin, but since I posted a photo of him just the other day I'll spare you.

C o l o r

pink

red

violet

yellow

gray

green

orange

And happy anniversary to me, last Wednesday was my 2nd!

Day 30, fade to black

Because I am so madly in love with my dog, here's another shot of Rufus, this one could be hanging in the foyer of his memorial library, he looks so scholarly.

Today's my lucky day! Evidently the last time I wore these jeans I was rich beyond my wildest dreams because I reached into the back pocket this morning and pulled out a twenty dollar bill. Normally when I do a self reach-around I usually pull out a bill I forgot to pay or a debit card receipt I omitted from my checking account balance resolution, so double win for me! Yessir, I'm ahead of the game.

Also, it’s the last day of NoPo…...El...Lem..N..Opie month, where one strives to post daily for the entire month of November. I managed to make it through the month with only missing, hmm, let's see…….one, two, three, four, five…er, let's say a handful of days, to kudos to me! Now it's off to December and slacking BIG TIME again. Yep, back to doing what I do best.

One troubling thing, though, no word from Jesus. I hope he doesn't end up like Baby Grace and wash up on shore somewhere in a Band-Aid tin. That would be soooooooo ungodly. Not to mention bad press for the tiny, clay, Virgin Mother.

Stay pure!

Day 28/29-ish

I had every intention of posting last night but the good ol' home laptop has decided to go tits up on me, so this is a shared post from yesterday as well as today.

Shawna forwarded this blog from a CEO of a competitor of hers in Houston to me today. When she sent it she commented that she wasn't sure if it's a good idea for a CEO to be blogging about his experiences pretending to be homeless but I told her I'd prefer that to CEOs who rape and pillage their company's 401K. Funny, interesting stuff, though.

Day 27: Someone call the FBI

I got an e-mail from babyjesusishostage@gmail.com last night that reads:

Subject: HELP ME>>>>>>>
I don't know where I am...it seems to be dark and I'm on the move.....wait someone's coming I have to go. As soon as I know where I am I'll let you know.....must be home for x-mas................................................BJ

I suspect the Grinch.

When I say I got the e-mail I guess I need to clarify; someone else on the e-mail replied all and I got THAT e-mail. Jesus can't even get my e-mail address right. Bet the devil does.

Day 26

I forgot it was Mute Monday. Here's my #1 Rebel*.

General gripes:
It's cold here. January cold---not November cold. The only thing I can gather from this is that it's going to be one mother of a winter here. I watched Fargo yesterday and am wondering if I need to invest in a parka and maybe some fur lined-boots. Yah? Oh, yah.

I bought a breakfast bar from the local coffee house/lunch café this morning and it has the look and consistency of particle board. In fact it tasted and smelled like particle board as well. It's taken me two hours to choke it down. Yum, that's good eatin'!

Remember when I said I was working at my friend Pat's restaurant because they were between servers? Well, three servers later and I'm still working there, which is great because I am squirreling away lots of tequila money for my trip to Mexico next month, so no gripes there. Except for the fact that we only had 3 customers on Friday night, and only one of them ordered dinner, the other two were just having cocktails. I was sent home at 7:20, two hours after I arrived. I did get free dinner out of it, though.

Still no sign of Baby Jesus.

The Thanksgiving leftovers are almost gone. It's a sad, sad day.

* Mommy's little angel.

Day 25 Where's Jesus?

We have already put out the Nativity Scene, what with our passion for the Christ and all, and wouldn't you know it, some jokester swiped Baby Jesus on Thanksgiving.

Where was Jesus when the lights went out?

So we searched the house and guess what? No Baby Jesus. So far there hasn't been a ransom demand but I'll continue to check the mail. I'm afraid that until BJ is returned there will be no Christmas. You've been warned.

Until the Savior is found we will be experimenting with a few substitutes. What could be more festive than Xmas Suz?

Or how about this little guy? This would explain a lot about the bible.

And Rufus could surely spare one of his babies.

As you can see, I'm headed for hell unless Baby Jesus is returned. Please, save me from the eternal fires! My soul is in your hands.

Day 24: Thanks

I've never been very good at math so that probably explains why I said I was cooking for 8 but the actual total was 11. Silly numbers.

Here's the buffet, I personally made the turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes (never tried the southern style before) mashed potatoes with sauteed onions, gravy and broccoli with queso sauce. Everything came out perfect and all at the same time. My only screw up (besides the counting blunder) was I forgot to put out the cranberry sauce. No one mentioned the omission so I think we'll all survive.

The Roommate was in charge of setting the table. And not burning the rolls, both of which he managed to do beautifully, with flair and grace.

Katie, Donna and Heather all made pumpkin pie, thank god too, because I am not that much of a baker. And the wine flowed, wii played and the evening ended in the hot tub. Needless to say, the holiday was a raving success.

Yesterday was spent on the couch, watching movies and eating left overs. Tomorrow I'll be making turkey soup, in honor of cold and flu season.

Day 21 or some such.

The road outside my window is pretty busy this afternoon, I suspect because everyone is hurriedly rushing home from work early to start their Thanksgiving traveling or cooking. But not me, nope, I'm still here at the office because everyone else has left and all hell it breaking loose. Customers calling in because shit is hitting the fan left and right and the only one here………just happens to be the only one who is completely useless when it comes to just about anything technical. Yea me! Good thing I know how to dial the phone and then beg someone to help me. Mostly I'm calling coworkers working from home or out at other customer's locations working on their separate traumas. Fingers crossed everything just heals itself.

Making dinner tomorrow for 8. Kind of a more intimate crowd this year but then again I'm making the turkey for the first time in about 4 years, so it looks like poison control won't have to take as many calls as if I were cooking for, say 16 or more. Something to be thankful for, certainly.

Get your gobble on! Have a good one.

Day 20: I can't do a thing with my hair.......except scratch it.

Rufus went to the vet yesterday. My poor boy has dry skin. I think it's the very expensive Aveda shampoo I use because when we used their less expensive rosemary mint shampoo he didn't have itchy skin. Poor booboo, now I have to spray him with skin conditioner that smells like sour apples. Rufus doesn't like that smell and he certainly doesn't like anything in a pump spray.

I got a spam e-mail message today with a subject line reading "Buy Viagra soft tabs". Not exactly the best choice of words for that product, but maybe that's just me reading into it.

Yesterday when I was downtown I saw an entire family, mom, dad, 5 kids, all dressed up as pilgrims crossing a busy road. Aprons, silly hats with buckles, bonnets and all. It just made for an odd site; had they waited a few days it wouldn't have been quite so out of place, what with the brand new Macy's downtown.

Special shout out for Rusty: GOBBLE GOBBLE!

Mute Monday

Fashion.

Day 16: Do you believe in tragic?

Britney Spears has definitely made the career change from "performer" to "tabloid fodder" and I have a feeling CNN will start a daily segment starting with the words "Today in Britney-train-wreck-news….". They'll probably have a musical intro using a clip from her tragically ironic song "oops I did it again". The Britster ran a stop sign Tuesday while text messaging---with the kids in the car. Then on Thursday she ran over a photographer's foot….while text messaging. While the courts decide to take away her kids they should also consider taking away her phone or car. Or both. Ya'll, not all folks from Louisiana are this dumb so don't be dumping me in that pile of trash, hear? Keep your eyes peeled for news on her custody hearing in court today; who would have thought Kfed would turn out to be the more model parent?

In other tragic news Amy Winehouse and I have something in common besides drinking and bad hair. Just like when I play "Guitar Hero", the woman with the outrageously unkept beehive was boo'd off the stage in London Wednesday night (although I am not boo'd in London, only my living room). Unlike Amy, I am boo'd because of my talent, or lack there of. Ms Winehouse was boo'd** because she was in a drug and drink induced, slurring and bobbing mess-mode. I think she even cried a little. Well, I'm in that same condition a lot myself but I NEVER allow it to impact my performance, as I am an artist!!!!!!! It's all about my fans, you see.

Oh no, tomorrow is the WEEKEND and we know how lazy can I get on weekends. Hopefully I'll do better than last weekend and remember to post at least one of the two days.


* Stolen from "The Pants" but I'm not sure if she's posting anymore, so I think I'll claim it as my own, maybe make it a regular thing.

** Hope I spelled "boo'd" right because I sure used it a lot in this post.

Day 15

You probably noticed that there was no "Day 14". I never woke up yesterday, I swear. I would never miss so many days on this 30 day November marathon. Pinky swear.

Well, really the sad fact is I thought about posting but I was so busy at work I didn't have a chance and then my busy social life got in the way. *cough cough* It's the thought that counts. Right?

The good news is THIS counts as today's post. 15 down, 15 to go.

Lucky Day 13!

I saw on the internet that Paris Hilton has thrown her celebrity clout behind a cause very near and dear to my heart, drunken elephants. It appears Ms Hilton feels that this very serious cause is worthy of her attention, and I am afraid I have to disagree with the heiress; I'm fearful that she is excusing the elephant's behavior just as she downplayed her own responsibility when it comes to overdoing it with margaritas in her case (rice wine in the elephant's). I feel the only way we can cure this dreaded disease is to help the elephants admit they have a problem and seek treatment. When the pachyderm is already behind the wheel, well my friend, it's just too late for everyone. I'm wondering if this cause is what forced Paris to postpone her charity work in Rwanda, because I think it should be something as important as this cause, since I don't want elephants getting into my boxed wine.

Too bad the writer's strike is going on, I would love to hear what Jon Stewart has to say about this news nugget.

In other news, Oooops, she did it again. Britney Spears ran a red light with the kids in the car; a photographer caught the songstress texting with her nose while she ran the light---talk about multi-tasking. I'm waiting for Darwinism to kick in.

Ooops, what happened to Day 10 and 11?

If there's one thing I have plenty of, it's party pics.

I had every intention of posting every day this month but I competely forgot this weekend. I could have cheated but decided against it. I think I should get points for my honesty.

Mute Monday