Santa Rufus shops at Neimans....for the free shipping, of course.

Because the Roommate said he didn't really think he'd wear the reversible Burrberry scarf I gave him for Xmas as much as the price tag warrants, we decided to return it to Neiman Marcus and replace it with another item the Roommate would get more use out of. You know, because we live in Oregon and what with the subtropic climate and all there's little use for cashmere/wool blend scarfs when the temperature hovers around balmy 40 degrees for 9 months. After much deliberating he chose a pair of slacks instead (on sale----knocked down $200 of the original price, they don't call it Needless Markup for nothing). We ordered the pants and were a little shocked at the $16.50 charge for shipping, which was just unreasonable in the Roommate's eyes. He then participated in an online chat with an actual Neiman Marcus employee and basically was told them's the breaks, shipping ain't free, ya know, and the pants are marked down almost 50%. Well, he just hit the roof this morning when he received an e-mail stating that all purchases this weekend would earn FREE SHIPPING---HURRY AND ORDER NOW! He insisted I call immediately and demand the shipping charge be removed from our purchase otherwise we would cancel the order from yesterday and re-order it with free shipping today. It all just bothered him that much but me, those little things don't bother me which also explains why I'm always broke. Anywho...one quick and very civil call with a nice lady at Neiman's later and the shipping charges were reversed without so much as a single treat of cancellation or ceremonial cutting up of gold Neiman's card (the latter being a completely idle threat*). I'm sure the poor woman in the Neiman's India call center was thinking "You are paying $250 for a $450 pair of slacks and you find a $16.50 shipping charge unreasonable while I slave away in this un-air-conditioned Bali call center to scrape up enough money to buy a bowl of curry? Capitalist pigs!" It all seems so silly in hindsight, wouldn't you say? Do the crime, do the time----I mean pay the shipping.

Note: In all due respects, the Neiman Marcus call center is in the Dallas/Fort Worth area----and that explains why they need to charge $450 for a pair of men's slacks. Plus shipping, of course. American capitalists labor ain't cheap, even with the employee discount.

* Please also note that the Neiman's gold card with it's completely unnecessarily high credit limit is only used to buy Christmas gifts for others. Which I promptly pay off----before the next holiday season, that is. You won't see me caught dead in a $450 pair of men's slacks, mister.

Hang in there, baby!

I've been trying to add this photo to today's post and only now have finally accomplished it. Not sure what Blogger's problem was aside from the fact that it wants nothing to do with post Christmas humor.

You're probably wondering where the rest of the Key West photo essay is…..truth be told, I am too. I'm also wondering why I dragged my ass all the way to Tigard to an empty office when I could have worked from the comfort of my couch and watched movies at the same time. Evidently I am one of two employees of the entire H&K work force that decided to show up today. Lucky me, at least I won't be getting any stupid e-mails today.

The weekend in Seattle was the drunken drunkard-fest I expected. The game was fun, after which Rusty and I wandered around the city on foot (and in our Seahawks rain ponchos, always fashionable) and stopped in the nicest hotel in town to drink more (!) and eat a dozen oysters. It is reported that I told a strange woman at the bar that I had a "fucking asshole dog" and that I told the Roommate "My joke is 7. Isn't that funny?!?!? 7!" or some such thing. Evidently he didn't get it. I also reportedly fell down once, and if the sore elbow is any evidence, I guess I did. In spite of all this fun and booze when Christmas morning rolled around it didn't really feel like Christmas; I woke up with a hang over (that part felt like Xmas) and then ate the biggest chicken fried chicken dinner at the 5 Point (for breakfast, mind you) with Miss Sarah, Rusty and Jonesy----this after having already eaten 3 tangerines and one orange. This gorge-fest was followed by a nice uneventful drive south back to Portland. The most amazing thing about the weekend was that Rufus behaved himself, except for the growling-in-Jonesy's-face-while-he-slept incident. Other than that he was mommy's little angel.

Yesterday I cooked a 20 pound turkey and had dinner ready and waiting for the Roommate's arrival home from Canada. We ate, drank champagne cocktails and opened presents----and then it finally felt like Christmas. I got a lot of great presents (shopping spree at an art supply store from Rusty and Sarah and sea-monkey boots from the Roommate!) but I guess the best present of all would have to be my great friends, who are pretty much my family here in the Pacific Northwest. God bless us, everyone! Next stop is New Years Eve and then jumping on that resolution list. I am bound and determined to have a better '07 than '06 was, cause this year kinda sucked.

Hope you all had a great Christmas! Only a few more days and we can put the holidays behind us. Hang in there, baby.

Merry Holidays and Happy Christmas.

Sarah and Rusty called from the mall last night---all drunken at 7:15---to let me know they haven't gotten me a Christmas present because they can't find a store that sells coal.

Yeah, it's going to be that kind of weekend.

I leave for Seattle in a bit so take care and have a great holiday. Look for me in the crowd at the Seahawks game Sunday, I'll be wearing a team jersey and waving. Don't worry, you'll see me.

Happy Holidays!

Ho ho ho!

I just made the STUPID mistake of going to the mall. I know, I know, I swore I wasn't setting foot in a mall this time of year but Neiman Marcus let me down; the last present for the Roommate I was planning on is on back order until mid March (WTF???), so I had to replace it with another item. Fortunately I came up with another idea; unfortunately I can only get it at a mall or via the internet, which is out of the question since I'm not left with enough time for shipping. I checked with a store at a mall in the same quadrant of town as my house and they had the item but since I work on the opposite side of the city from my home and there's a huge mall literally right around the corner from my office, I thought I'd just pop in the same store over here and save myself some time.

Yeah, right. First it took me 20 minutes to get THROUGH the parking lot to the vicinity of the enterance I needed, only to finally get to the store to find out that this particular location didn't carry my item. It took me even longer to get OUT of the parking lot than it took me to get in, so I'm a little peeved. Not only because I could have saved myself some time by calling the second store after I had already called their other location but now I still have to go to the other mall later. I think I'll save that for VERY early tomorrow morning.....since I'll be "working from home". The part of town around my office has been a constant traffic jam this past week because of the mall and tomorrow will only be worse. People trying to get to the mall, get out of town or just get home early. No thanks, I'll be on the couch.

I am so glad this madness is almost over.

The Roommate is going to Boytek's family Christmas in Canada, so that left me without holiday plans. The good people of the House of Suz Seattle branch office have kindly invited me up to their Christmas festivities----drinking, drinking, Seahawks game, drinking----so the Roommate and I will be celebrating our Xmas on Tuesday. Should I fail to get my last gift item tomorrow, there's always Seattle malls to battle. Yea, right again. Like I said, I'm glad this shit is almost over.

Ho Ho Ho

I'll return to Key West photo essay tomorrow. I know you'll want to take a look at the S&M Barbie collection, just in time for Christmas. How does one giftwrap a tart?

Back to the Key West Photo Essay Stuff

If memory serves, my last Key West post ended with our sunset sail on our first night on the island (and you thought you'd seen the last of these posts! Silly reader!). Looking though the rest of the photos it occurs to me that I kind of put down the camera and picked up the bottle more as the week went on. Here are the photos from Day Two, the day clouds rolled in.

After partying late-ish (who knows how late) and having a silly fight (who knows what about) and wandering around the island looking for the missing hotel, we work up late searching for a place for grub. On the way to Pepe's (look it up, good breakfast, or so I'm told since we didn't stumble in until after 12:30---breakfast only served till noon) I glanced down an alley to observe this sight---seven cats. If you've not been to KW you would be interestsed to learn that the island is teeming with cats....and chickens. You'd think the former would take care of the problem of the latter, but it doesn't appear so. Cats everywhere. Roosters and chickens everywhere as well. It is an island, after all and we know neither cats nor chickens like to swim. Or they're not very good at it, if the Olympic swimming competition is any clue. Anyway, so many cats in one location not also popluated by a "crazy cat woman" seemed photo-worthy at the time.

After lunch served by a lack-luster waitress (sorry to bother you, jeeze) we decided to wander the island. Someone said when the sun goes in, the only things to do on Key West are drink and shop, so that's what we did. Bought some silly refrigerator magnets with thermometers on them (which never made it home, mysteriously), a couple of lighter/bottle opener combos (genius!) and assrted trinkets. Seriously considered buying a parka because it was so cold, but the local souvenir shop was strangely out of them. Then we happened upon Captain Tony's bar. This bar is the oldest one on the island and the original site of Sloppy Joe's, Hemmingway's hang out. As we settled in I noticed names on the bar stools; my stool's namesake was unknown to me, but guess who the Roommate sat on completely at random?

Fitting.

After listening to a musician do his gig for a bit we decided to shove off (but fear not, we'll run into him later) and I decided to show the Roommate the other place where folks go on the island to celebrate the sunset, the tallest building on the island. The observation deck of the La Concha Hotel. Just look at the Roommate enjoying the sun (re: cold wind) on his face!

A view from the deck. Try to imagine it bathed in sunlight. After this kind of excitement we were ready for a nap before the evening's events, of which I will tell you on the next installment of our Key West adventure. As a teaser, the next post will include a little Barbie S&M bondage and serves as a handy Christmas gift giving guide as well.

S&M Barbie, complete with Barbie handcuffs, leather whip and sex swing!

Going forward like a brave soldier.

We're putting the Key West Holiday Photo Fest on hiatus today because I don't have any of the photos handy and because I'm feeling a little thoughty and sentimental today. Maybe it's the holiday season, I don't know, but there's little to nothing you can do about it so I suspect you're stuck with this post as is---so buck up and suck up.

I had a lovely weekend full of fun and good friends. I often take my rather large group of friends for granted, probably since they are so accessible and willing to do just about anything called upon to do without the slightests complaint. A good portion of them read this blog so I figured I could trick them into reading how much I love them and that way I wouldn't have to actually say it. Out loud and all. I'm not really all touchy-feely like that. I'm more of the punch-you-in-the-arm-and-you-have-to-figure-out-that's-my-sign-of-affection type of person---I guess that explains my love life (or lack there of). So there you go. Although every one of my friends and pretty much the entire planet know I adore the Roommate and Boytek, few actually know I also adore Leigh, her kooky, "seemingly uptight but anything but" cousin Tammy, Dana (I'm fixin' to become her new best friend, you know), Kate (who always leaves parties too early), the other Kate, Rob (the cutest couple that are so made for each other it makes you want to upchuck), Diane, Frank, Heath, Julio, Jon, Emma, her cutie-pie husband Kirt………..hmmm, who else……Erin, Heather, Jeff, Des, Jack and Julie, Katie, Sarah, Rusty, Etip (of our Seattle branch), Jen, Phil, Vicki, the fabu Pat….I sense you're nodding off right about now……Bart, Vanessa, Mark, Kristie Reffleffleffleffeson, my Sailor. There's others I know I'm missing but I'm old and senile and forget stuff a lot, so if I omitted your name it's not that I forgot you, it's just that I temporarily misplaced you, like us old people do with our keys, glasses and driving skills. I'll say a little prayer to St Anthony (patron saint of lost items like my soul and mind----no wait, St Jude* would get my soul) for help with that. Therefore, if I left your name off completely by accident and you know in your heart of hearts it should be added to my list of "lovelies", please, please, let me know. I'll take your request under consideration and add it if it's deserved. I just know I forgot someone important and I'm going to be eating a big steaming bowl of regret later today----in fact probably the second I click the "post blog" button.

Now, let's get down to business. Since 2006 is nearly over (how in the hell did that happen so fast?!?!?!?), tradition dictates that I must make a New Year's resolution (cue dramatic musical score, daa daa DAAA) or two. I suppose I could wait till New Year's eve and just pluck something out of the air (like I did when I decided to quit smoking in 2005---which by the way I accomplished successfully) but chances are I'll more likely than not pick something impractical like "levitating more often" or "finding all my missing socks" so I decided to come up with something before my Xmas weekend in Seattle (and the hangover week to follow), when I'm less likely to be drunk and pick something too random to attain in the coming year. Because I hate taking orders I choose NOT TO actually make resolutions, per say, but instead I've decided that I shall come up with something with a friendlier, easier to obtain, term than your common resolution. To figure out just what this term should be I decided to make a synonym of the word "resolution" so let's break the word down a bit. The prefix "re" indicates "again; "solution" indicates mixing one substance with another………..so here's my 2007 New Year's AgainBlendz (spelled with a "z" so it seems hip to the kids):

1. Get a new fucking job already. As any frequent reader of this blog will tell you, my current job and the company I work for SUCKS ASS completely. Totally useless company. I made the decision to move to H&K from my former employer because it was being purchased by another company and although it was a good idea to get the hell out of that Dodge (as I learned in a conversation this weekend with a former coworker who's still there) I probably could have picked a better company than H&K to bail to. Mickey D's would be a step up from here, work wise, but the pay there sucks. So I'm a'looking---have been for some time now, just under the gun now since this place is making me crazy as a barn owl.

2. Have a show already. If you don't know it already, I am an artiste. I create odd paintings that some folks with excellent taste seem to like quite a bit. Problem is I give these paintings away as soon as I paint them so I never have anything "in stock" for a show. This year I intend to do a bunch of paintings, squirrel them away and have a show somewhere, in a bar or coffee shop since no gallery in their right mind would hang an artist that gives shit away for free. No money in that for them. Maybe I'll force the Roommate to join me in this endeavor.

3. Get my finances in order. The way I handle money is a joke, therefore I am always poor. I'm broke the day after pay day and that is no way to live.

4. Get my wig on straight. In general.

5. Have a goal for my life. I need to come up with some business that I can start up for myself and do for the rest of my life since I'm getting pretty old and I need to work for someone who doesn't mind having a senile employee. I gave up the retirement fund along with everything else when I got divorced, so I need to get a start on taking care of my golden years.

Ok, that's a start. I'll add anything else I think would be a groovy addition and reserve the right to delete anything that I change my mind on (because it's too hard, most likely). I challenge all you, my dear and loyal readers to come up with your own 2007 New Year's AgainBlendz. Not to post or announce in any way, just as a guidepost for the coming year. I'm thoughty and like to give back to the little people but then again, that's how I I roll (I love that term by the way).

So here's your assignment: sharpen that pencil, put your thinking cap on and get that list together. Time's a wasting and none of us are getting any younger.


*Patron saint of lost causes.

Oh, and it's snowing right now!

Guess I was right the first time with the "snow day" comment.

SNOW DAY! Or more like WIND DAY!

Yesterday and the day before I worked from home because I wasn't feeling well but I convinced myself this morning that I needed to go into the office today, if only for appearance sake. Well, it took alot of stern talking but I motivated myself to drive the half hour out to my office and as I approached the area of town my place of employment is located I noticed traffic signals were out and store fronts that were usually lit were dark. It was particularly windy yesterday evening and night and evidently many power lines were downed by fallen trees. I secretly hoped that the outage reached my office park because I'’m like that, meaning of course lazy. Well, the stars were in alignment today because my office building was dark as well and my security pass didn'’t work either. Yea! Working from home again today, there is a baby Jesus! You can'’t see it but I'’m doing a happy dance at the moment.

Speaking of working from home, our friend, Jen, from San Francisco is in town, in fact she baby sat Rufus while the Roommate and I were in Key West. Earlier in the week I was telling her I that I had hoped to work from home a few days and she commented that she loved that concept but that her supervisor frowned upon that practice, which got a good laugh out of everyone. You see, she'’s a flight attendant. She said she offered to bring home the demonstrationtional oxygen cup and seat belt but still no go; anyway, she'’s a hoot and we'’re glad she was able to come up for a visit.

I am unusually optimistic at the moment, this after being in the dumps for a few days, which I'’m sure had something to do with my shitty job situation, lack of money and end of vacation. Maybe the cheery outlook has something to do with updating and rewriting my resume yesterday. Let'’s hope this feeling sticks around until I land another job, at least.

Ok, now time for Paradise Vacation Photo Essay, part two (or whatever I called it yesterday).

First thing we did upon landing at Key West and checking into our hotel was walk around the island to get our bearings and check out places to visit while there. As you can see from this photo we must have been pretty giddy; we'd had to be if we thought a butterfly on a cactus was photo worthy.

As you can see by this smile we were successful in finding the bar by the nude beach. Well, actually it was a beach front bar near the clothing optional beach but who's counting. It's a bar/beach combo, who cares if they're wearing bathingsuits.

Every evening in Key West the entire island celebrates the sunset. A little simpleton-ish you may say but what the hell, it's fun! I suspect if you live there it may be a little on the monotonous side but for visitors it's a fun little treat, so bear with us.

There are several ways to enjoy the sunset in Key West, Mallory Square, with street performers, from atop the tallest bulding on the island, the historic La Concha Hotel or from a boat. Our hotel package at the lovely Eden House included a sunset cruise, so we took advantage of that treat the first day since we learned from the hotel front desk clerk that the weather was supposed to be a bit "iffy" the following two days.

So this is us on the deck of the sunset sailboat we were on that first day; I wish someone had told me to pull my top down over my Buddah belly.

Obviously we aren't the on the only ones enjoying the view via the deck of a sailboat.

Again, please someone tell me to pull my shirt over my pot belly! Luckily all the walking and biking on the island helped get rid of it by the end of the visit.

So, that was our first day on the island of the Conch Republic. Stay tuned for more fun and have a great weekend! Look out for falling trees!

Time for a vacation photo essay!

We are back in soggy Portland, and I managed to come back with a cold, too. Gotta love that. So since I'm feeling under the weather and all, I am going to give you the first installment of "Florida Photo Essay, Grand Vacation 2006". Don't get too excited, the funner stuff comes later.

A shot of the lighthouse on beautiful Captiva Island. Luckily the day we were there was warm and sunny as we walked the shore line and looked for shells.

This guy had just fished out a net full of minnows to use as bait, but this pelican, an egret and a seagull were all taking turns trying to steal his catch. It was pretty funny, the guy swinging at the birds while trying to pick up the flopping minnows.

The next day the Roommate and I boarded a boat for our 3 hour sail to Key West. Yea! Booze Cruise! We all know that's the way to make Suz smile!

Here's the Roommate on the top deck of the boat. If you scan the crowd it appears the Roommate made a little fashion faux pas and omitted the requisite Hawaiian shirt that all the other male boatmates are wearing. Guess he just doesn't have cruise fashion sense.

Beautiful day, booze cruise and 2 dolphins jumping out of the water in the boat's wake, what more could you ask? A great start to a grand vacation----fuck, I'm ready to go back RIGHT NOW! Apply sun block and stay tuned for the next installment.

SEE YA!

I'm outta here. Have fun without me.

Crunch time.

It's busy-busy time at H&K since I am expected to perform miracles before blasting off for Key West. Tis the season to hunker down so I can't stay, gotta run. Just when it seems darkest, it gets a little darker. Looking forward to getting the hell out of Dodge but I have a lot of ground to cover before I head out. Can't really say I'll be missing it here……

Can I use any more catch phrases?