Exit, stage left..........

This is my friend Rob (with the Roommate) this past Xmas. Today he resigned from his job here at the company I work for. He forwarded his resignation letter to EVERYONE. Please enjoy.

Greetings fellow colleges, peers, friends, and Dilbert supervisors,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Gary, Sereda, managers like you (and several others at ELI) are sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without all of you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation effective today. However I have a few parting thoughts.

I think you've forgotten how good the people that make up this department are. That or you just don't care. The managers of this department never cease to amaze me. When you manage a department that is open 365 days a year, you might want to give them some incentive to come together as a team. Modifying an employee's time card is not an incentive. Moving hours that an NCAM tech worked on Christmas day to a day that ELI does not recognize as a holiday, to save a few bucks, isn't a "clerical error" it's illegal. Telling an NCAM tech that he doesn't qualify for bereavement pay, because the funeral for the family member that just died is on their day off-Sereda, that's low. You had an employee that worked 32 hours straight during the ice storm. Instead of thanking him for being their when you needed him, you told him he didn't qualify for adverse weather pay because he wasn't scheduled to be at work. And the list goes on and on, but let me save you some time. I thought I wanted a career with ELI, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

The problem I've had with this company had little to do with the job, or my peers, and more to do with ELI's hiring practices of their managers. Apparently when they hired them they were willing to accept any illiterate, knuckle dragger with a fetish for dirty sheets, who could scratch an "X" on the bottom of an employment application. If I truly thought it would have made a difference in your performance as a manager I would have expressed my grievances with you in a monthly meeting. Don't worry idiots! I would have laid it out clearly and in simple language, using colored blocks and flash cards if necessary.

To all my peers, thank you for all the support, guidance, and encouragement you have provided me over these years. Without you I would have never made it. I'll miss you all, and remember change is good. I wish all my friends the best in the roads they choose to walk, and wherever their careers take them. Good luck with the merger with Integra.

And finally, to all my friends, please do me one huge favor, if you ever see me thinking about coming back to this horribly humiliating, non-paying, shit-whore gig, please come over to my house and crush my testicles with a sharpened pair of soccer cleats. It would be far less painful to be testicularly imbalanced, than having to work under these monkeys again.

With a middle finger permanently extended

~Rob

When I quit I'm going to ask his professional opinion on my exit strategy.