I here by declare the San Diego '07 Roommate Birthday Fiesta to have been a hand's down and complete success, although I did return with a nasty ass cold. Pictures and stories to follow when I'm feeling better.

Making plans pays off in the future but procrastination benefits you now!

I have come to realize that I am a procrastinator, you can tell this by the way I put off paying bills until the late fees hit, but we'll just leave that wound without salt for the moment and instead I will tell you a cute little pointless story.

Tuesday I met the Roommate at his place of business as he and I were going to have a birthday drink with his boss after work. I know his boss pretty well since he was my customer for almost 7 years at Asshole Co. Anywho, as I returned from the parking meter (we have those "satellite" meters here where you walk to the center of the block, slide in either change or your ATM card and receive a slip of paper that you stick to your window showing you've paid for you spot----only to have to get a razorblade to scrape off the left over adhesive when you try to yank it off, and let me tell you that ain't easy with plastic Jeep windows---sheesh!) with my aforementioned ticket of impending sticky residue I noticed my rear passenger tire was low. Way low. So I made a mental note to stop and get it aired-up on my way home provided it wasn't too flat to drive home on after a bottle of champagne. Lucky for me I guzzle. So I safely made it to a gas station and aired it up that evening and damn it to hell if it wasn't flat-ish again this morning! The nerve! So I drove it across town (I didn't have any coins to use the air machine at the gas station around the corner so I just drove it flattish----procrastinator and daredevil rolled up in one! Who'd a thunk it?) since there was a tire store by my work, where they fixed it for free! And then gave me an estimate for new tires as it looks like I'm about due (50,000 mile tires are going on 60,000). So, knowing me (see first sentence) you know I jumped right on that because I have 650 bucks to blow on tires right before I go out of town for the weekend.

Hopefully these loyal, old tires will get me through the summer or at least until I win the lottery any day now. If only I'd stop putting off getting that winning lottery ticket.

Cue up the Police's "Synchronicity"

So I met Chuck Palahniuk at a cocktail party the other night. Unfortunately I was only introduced to "Chuck" sans the last name so I didn't know it was actually the author of Fight Club, among other titles, until the Roommate told me a few minutes after he walked away from our conversation. That means he was deprived of me gushing over Fight Club (even though I haven't read the book yet, only saw the movie a few times) and stammering on about how great Brad Pitt was in the movie. Now I don't bring this up to rub in your face how AWESOME I am and how I hobnob with the rich and famous and all. No, that's a given. I bring it up because when the Roommate and I got home we turned on the TV and low and behold, Fight Club was on that Spike channel. Odd little coincidence, don't you think? I wanted to watch it again but it's on Spike, so there's commercial breaks and the cut out the curse words. Can't fucking watch fucking Fight Club like that, no sir.

Some people are never happy....

"Someone" (not saying who) said there wasn't enough "Roommate" in the Roommate post today, so I'll just add a little more Roommate to the post. Ok? Happy "you know who you are"?

Let's take a stroll down memory lane, starting with the Roommate doing his best Hunter S Thompson impersantion, here he is drunk floating down a river on an inner tube (he's the one with his back to the camera), here he is drunk, sitting atop an apple tree, drinking and smoking (which he claims to hate the smell of---yeah, right), making his pretty face, enjoying a movie and some treats, eating (which he is VERY good at), at the Oregon coast (ah, Oregon in the summertime!), eating again (yes, yet again!), trying to pick up a gnome in a bar, in a dress, on the set of Pool Talk, drunk in Prague, drunk in Central Park, drunk at the Gorge, drunk at the Standard in LA, making drinks (I am shocked this is the only photo I have of him doing this repetitive task), getting eaten by my dog, and again, and last but not least, making out with my dog and I have a feeling he's drunk there, too.

So, there you go, a birthday photo fest. Hope you enjoy it, someone! Oh, yeah, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy 40th Birthday, ROOMMATE!

Since the Roommate is officially 40 years old today, I suspect we will see him in this condition more often as old people need losts of naps. (Please note the coma-inducing cookie crumbs on his chest). When I first posted this photo on my PaD site the caption read something to the effect of "The Unabomber sleeps after snacking on oatmeal cookies" or some such goof.

It was brought to my attention that our buddy Bart was not given credit for the photo yesterday of our Commander in Chief and his attraction to corn. Bart was indeed the one who found the photo and I apologize for not listing him in the post with the credit so rightly due him. Bart would also like everyone to know that he has actual porn photos of Prez Bush posing with that same corn cob as well as photos of nude fat chicks straddling pizzas. Bart also requested that I mention that he drinks at work.

And finally, a shout out to Our Rusty, Hey dude! Just wanted to let you know Rufus Wainwright will be at Coachella on April 27th and I plan on being there!

Corn-ball president

" Corn? I don't remember eating corn!"

Mad....and a whole lot of barfing going on.

Oh, man, I'm pissed. Our branch had a meeting set for 7 am this morning----which happens to be exactly when I arrived----and here it is 7:30 and I'm the only one here still. Cute joke, I'm about to bust a gut from all the laughter. I rechecked and the meeting is still scheduled......only I guess it's not that high a priority or something. Typical of this company, simply typical. But it's ok, I only had a horrible night's sleep and was awaken to Rufus throwing up at 5 am, but I'm more creative when sleep deprived, so it should be a great day! <-------sarcasm. I would tell you how much I hate this company but at the risk sounding like a broken record I'll just skip that for now.

But I do hate it, FYI. In case you weren't sure.

The Mexican Fiesta for the Roommate's Birthday went off without a hitch, so that made for a good weekend. I made tacos, nachos, home made chili from my personal recipe as well as chips, queso, guac and salsa, along with other assorted goodies and had a great turn out, only Boytek showed up with the birthday boy about an hour and a half late.....but all turned out fun and festive. Aside from the puke all over the bathroom, but we're not going to talk about that........(and it wasn't me, by the way). Boytek, the Roommate and I are heading to San Diego on Friday because turning 40 is gross, and so it Tijuana. Yep, partying it up south of the border! Should be a blast.

Happy Monday, hope yours is better than mine has turned out to be so far.

UPDATE!
Rufus Wainwright will be playing Coachella on April 27th. In order to maintain my "biggest fan in the world" status I will be there. Come hell or high waters. I will most likely also be the oldest person at the festival.

Stephen Colbert explains the whole AT&T thing!

A little telecom humor for you.

Bonus post, because I'm spiteful

In an effort to do as little work as possible today in retaliation for this, here's a photo a friend just sent to me. The Roommate and I at an symphony benefit last weekend. We're probably smiling because the Roommate won the bid on a wine tasting tour. Or because the wine at the event was free. One or the other, not sure....possibly both, actually.

New Reason to hate H&K.....

....mandatory staff meeting on Mondays at 7 am. Fuck that shit, I'm barely awake at 7. Please let it be known that I am spending the afternoon looking for a new job. One without so many unreasonable demands, like dragging my ass out of bed an hour earlier than normal.

Can you feel the hate?

Big Birthday Week for the Roommate!

Every so often I actually do something good for a customer and then find I have a renewed zest for my position here at Hugs and Kisses. That usually lasts……oh, maybe an hour or so until something stupid comes up to remind me why I hate it here. I do something fun and actually in my job description and feel good about it and before you know it I'm back to cleaning up someone else's mess, which believe me, here at H&K it ain't pretty. Imagine cleaning up after a circus elephant with a stomach virus, that kind of fun. The fact that it doesn't seem to matter if I show up or not doesn't help any, either. I keep looking for the job fairy to pay me a visit and plop down some very attractive position somewhere with a very attractive paycheck attached but that hasn't happened in the past few months, and I've been looking. Goddamn paycheck, it's the ONLY thing keeping me here.

Hating Shawna for her good fortune. Just kidding---congrats chica! Hope the grass is actually greener since mine turned out to be astro turf, all fake and plastic and uncomfortable. You lucky wench. When you send the job fairy a thank you note, put in a good word for me.

Other than that, a whole lot is going on as very soon it will be the Birthday of the Roommate, a grand 8 day festival filled with good friends and booze! What a way to ring in his fifth decade (since he's turning 40! Doesn't look a day over 39 and a half if you ask me, snicker snicker). It's all hush-hush at the moment but soon I can share. And I'll take pictures!

Erection Day

The Roommate and I were out running errands the other day when we came upon the erection of a HUGE IKEA sign along Interstate 205. We had heard there would be the addition of a the store of all things wonderful with ridiculously made up Scandinavian names in our area but until the sign showed up we had no idea where the House Of Fabulousness was going to reside. Now we knew as the spot was marked with the largest sign I have ever seen, in fact you can see it from Vancouver, Washington, but I digress.

It had been announced that Portland's IKEA would be opening in spring of '07 but looking at the construction site I'd find that hard to fathom. The only thing there is the foundation for the building, the parking lot and the sign, so the Roommate wondered out loud if the opening would be pushed out considering the lack of a building and all. I told him not likely as the construction of an IKEA involved a large flat box with random letters and an umlaut or two being trucked into the site and the entire building would quickly be assembled from it's contents. The Roommate added that the construction would go smoothly until the very end, when the workers would stand around scratching their heads wondering where that one remaining left over screw was suppose to go. Or the allen wrench that doesn't match any of the screws. Because that always happens with IKEA products, always a random part left over; there's probably a person at the IKEA mother ship that is assigned the task of adding one unnecessary piece to each IKEA kit, just to confuse their stupid American customers.

I can't wait till it opens.

Weather update.

So much for the dry 10 day forcast. This is a shot of our back yard this morning.....and it's still coming down.

Ok, something's up. I just checked the 10 day weather forcast for Portland and I am a tad bit concerned. The 10 day extended forecast calls for dry, sunny to partly cloudy weather and COLD. Before you say "So?" please remember this is Portland Oregon, you know, in the Pacific Northwest. Where it rains from mid-October to just after Independence Day. And it is currently January. Odd. Something's amiss. If you take a gander at any weather map you'll see goofy shit going on. Last weekend in New York City is was 72 degrees. 72! Denver has had record snowfall back to back to back. Southwest Florida's been having a lot of rain the past few months and it's supposed to be the dry season there. (It appears they traded weather with us.) Parts of Canada that are usually buried under snow are surprising not white at the moment. But I'm getting off my point here.

I just ran out to the Rite Aid to grab a pair of sunglasses* because it was dark when I came to work this morning and failed to grab a pair of the multitudes of sunglasses stacked on top of the fridge and now the frickin' sun's out. And it appears it will be "out" for the foreseeable future. Don't get me wrong, I want the sun, I was whining about the lack there of only a few days ago, but it just strikes me as very odd. And perhaps very wrong. El Nino (pretend the squiggly line is hovering above the "n") or global warming, it's all the same. Mother Nature's got her panties in a wad and we need to listen up, she's one bitch we don't want angry.

Enjoy your weekend weather, wherever you are---and whatever you get whether it be rain, sun, snow or plagues of locusts.

*More sunglasses are sold in Portland per capita than anywhere in the US (according to Sunglasshut) probably because so many are misplaced during our 9 month winter. Or so I'm told.

New Year recap

So, it's the 11th of January in the year of our Lord, 2007, and it's time for a state of the year address. Now you're probably thinking "We're not even 2 weeks into the new year and you're already going to analyze it?" and my answer is yes, if you leave it till the end of the year it's too late to make corrections. So here goes, so far this year:

I've gotten a free purse

H&K sent me a check for $58 and some change. For no reason and with little to no explanation, so I really don't know what it's for but I deposited it anyway. I't mine.

With these two points as evidence, I'm gonna put my neck out and say 2007 is going to be a better year than 2006.

Oh, and the photo has nothing to do with anything, I just like it. One of my happy accidents.

Another Rufus stalking event missed! Curses!

Anyone who knows me at all or reads this blog knows I's loves me some Rufus Wainwright (yes,I named my dog after him, I'm that much of a tardfan) and if you don't know that I am his biggest fan then you simply have just not been paying attention. I've seen Rufus perform in Portland 4 times, LA twice and once each in San Diego, Santa Barbara, Seattle and Vancouver BC. Well, one of these days I will tell you the story about the second time I met Rufus---yes, in person! Once in LA and once in Vancouver--- but in the mean time just get a little more jealous of my star elbow rubbings since I also met Alan Cumming at that very same second meeting. And Alan was meeting Rufus for the very first time, in fact Alan cut line in front of me but I'm not bitter or anything.

So anywho, I'm wondering.......why was Rufus Wainwright invited to Alan's wedding this past weekend and not me? Maybe Rufus called me, wanting me to be his date and I didn't hear the phone ring or I ignored the call (cause I kinda do that) or something. Danm, what shitty luck! I missed my date with destiny! I need an answering service because I am a starfucker. Well, not the fucker part per say, but you know where I'm going with this. I hang out with the beautiful people, you know, and all that. I mean something.

Best wishes and good luck to Alan and his strapping young husband!

Happy Customer Day!

A quicky for you. At the end of the summer I was in Canada and I picked up this cute little black handbag at a nice little shop downtown Vancouver. Boytek had gotten me one of their handbags before and I like the company (Montreal based, tres french) so I got another while I was there, why not, eh?

Well, I had that first bag a week and one of the little screws that hindge the opening came loose, so being the handy person, I tightened it back. Then, a few days later it happened again, then again. And it keept on happening until one day I lost one of the screws in my car, which I managed to find, luckily. I then asked Boytek to exchange the purse for me the next time he was in Vancouver because I was afraid I'd lose it and be shit out of luck. He did, and exchanged it for the same bag only in Raspberry (reddish-pink), which seemed like a really odd color for a purse but it grew on me pretty quickly.

Everything went swimmingly for about a month until I went to Seattle for Xmas and got plastered. I awoke Christmas morning to find Santa had not left presents but instead stole my hinge screws. BOTH OF THEM. Gaping purse mouth, Batman! This was not going to do at all.

So I went to the company's web site, Matt and Nat being the company name, and sent an e-mail to their returns department. I stated the facts of the incident (sans snitching out Santa) and asked if I could get some replacement screws. They aren't your run of the mill Home Depot screws, they're fancy decorative ones (evidently the kind that doen't like to live up to their potential). I received a reply stating they didn't carry replacement hardware and asking for a photo of the defective purse and a copy of the receipt. I fretted about this all weekend as I no longer had the receipt, having considered the matter taken care of with the return of the black purse I had probably discarded it about a month ago. I snapped a couple shots (including the one above) and wrote out an e-mail stating the following facts:
The original bag had already been returned once because of this exact issue
It was purchased in another country therefore it was unlikely I would be able to return it to the store it came from
This was my 3rd Matt and Nat bag, and I was a big fan of the company.
I attached my photos and off I sent my e-mail, sure that I would never hear from them again or getting a snarky e-mail saying "Sorry, no receipt. Company Policy" or something along those lines.

Well, you can imagine my surprise and glee when I received another e-mail back within 15 minutes stating a new bag has been sent to my home address. SHOCKER! All I had hoped for was a couple screw-fastners, at best I thought I'd be given a courtesy credit to use in their online store. But NO! A replacement purse! I am almost speechless.

So everyone visit Matt and Nat and buy a bag. Hell, get a couple, these people have better customer service than any American company I've dealt with in the last 10 years. And if it breaks, send them an e-mail and tell 'em SUZ sent ya.

Oh, and I'm super-gluing those fucking hinge screws together. You won't get me again!

Random thoughts

I realized it's been a long, long time since I posted a shot of my little cutie, Rufus, so I thought I'd go ahead and add one to this random post. Mommy's little angel! And the cutest boy in the world with his gumdrop nose and longest eyelashes in the world!

I will be ever so glad when all you newbies at the gym cave in and just give up on your New Year's resolutions, already! I work out at the gym religiously (and by religiously I don't mean just on Sunday, about 5 times a week) and every January it's the same thing, hopefulness and conviction is quickly replaced with apathy. In a few weeks I won't have to search for a parking space or wait for an elliptical trainer. All will again be right with the world.

The rain is starting to wear on me. You'd think after 8 seasons and a recent trip to Florida that I'd be ok for a bit. I need a trip somewhere warm sometime soon (wink wink).

I have come to realize that the vast majority of movies released this year were crap. Simply crap in the crappiest sense of the word. I enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine and Half Nelson, but those are the only two that stick out for the year---stick out as in not wracking my brain or looking up what was released this year to jog my memory. And this is of the ones I've seen anyway, I still need to hit Dreamgirls.

Ok, that's enough randomness for the moment. Hopefully I'll come up with something a little more engaging next time. Stay warm, be good, and spay and neuter your pets. Rufus is glad we did!

Random Bonus Photo Essay

I was going to wrap up the Key West photo essay today but I realized I only had one shot yet when I sat down to attempt it. Oops! But what the hell, here it is along with a few other shots to round out the year.

The sea was angry that day, my friends. And even with a raging case of hang over combined with sea sickness the Roommate managed to still look great. We went on a sail to the coral reef and did some snorkeling---which was interrupted by a fleet of man o' wars. After a mad dash back to the boat the Roommate's sea sickness really kicked in and he ended up feeding the yellow tail off the stern. The sea sickness only got worse on the cruise back to the mainland from Key West and I have to admit that was the first time I ever saw a sea sickness bag used.


Ok, fast forward to Christmas Eve at the Seahawks game. Rain, wind and good times all around.

Here's a shot of Jayson and Katie at the game. Yes, there's a stuffed animal on Katie's hat. Don't ask, we were drinking. Duh. Great Xmas Eve, just wish I could remember all of it, especially when I fell down.

Here's the only decent shot of me from New Year's Eve at Kennedy School. I swear I either had my eyes closed or was making some dumb face in every shot of me that night. Except this one.

I know I told you that the Roommate cannot take a bad photo, but lookie here. Lucked out even though he did it on purpose. Jesus, are my eyes closed in this shot? Who'd a thunk it?

Happy New Year!

Oh POO! (or POOH, depending on your personal taste)

I am sad to report that after 4 attempts I was unable to upload my video successfully to Youtube, so I guess I'm a quitter and the world will never see this historical piece of video. It's a sad, sad day, indeed. If you have any tips to upload it, let me know; I followed the instructions but I guess I'm technically challenged.

Good thing I'm in a high tech industry, huh?

Another fine day in the Conch Republic.

More Key West photo essay! Don't worry, we are running low on photos since we are running out of vacation days. The longer we were there, the fewer photos I took.

Jesus, what day is it already? Saturday? Sunday? Who knows? I think it was Saturday and we had just had lunch at a Cuban restaurant and then walked around the bone yard, I think. Around now the days were all kind of blurring together. Here's a photo of the Roommate at the Bourbon St Pub. We made a point of going there since we had visited the Bourbon St Pub in New Orleans on a trip there a few years ago. We lucked into a window table since it was nasty weather and early December is the slowest season for tourists in Key West.

While I was photographing the Roommate these trouble-makers goaded me into taking their picture. The guy with his shirt up, Gator (because he used to be an alligator wrestler and has a few fingers missing because of that profession) kept yelling at tourists on the tour train. He'd yell to the people in the last seats of the train "How do you like it in the rear?" and got a lot of laughs from pedestrians and bar patrons as well.

After making many new friends at the Pub we wandered over to Mallory Square to check it out and position ourselves for the evening shows. As I told you earlier Key West celebrates the sunset every evening by drinking and watching street performers. We wanted a good spot to watch the Cat Man of Key West.

Here is a very unattractive shot of yours truly. It is an attractive shot of the Roommate because that's how he rolls*. Check out the image on his T-shirt. He gets a lot of comments on it (too bad we got it in Canada, he could use a replacement soon).

Here we have a shot of the crazy Cat Man with Sara on the type rope, or as he calls her 'Saaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrraaaaaaa", foaming at the mouth and spitting all the while; Moon is jumping throuth the hoop. The Cat Man is a very popular performer at the Square.

Another shot of Moon jumping through the hoop. The cats also claw themselves to the Cat Man's chest as he runs around screaming. Compared to my Rufus this cat in not very talented. Compared to your average house cat he's Einstein.

After the fun and games at Mallory Square we wandered over to Duvall St again, probably ate dinner and settled in for drinks at Bourbon St. We had heard about a female impersonator there who actually sang her own songs, not lip synced. In the middle of her act she announced she needed a new boyfriend and picked 3 possibilities out of the audience. Of course the Roommate was not only one but also won hands down (audience chose him by applause).

His prize? A free drink and getting to sit onstage as Porsche serenaded him. Good times, good times. Porsche does a badass impression of Janis Joplin and Karen from "Will and Grace" as well. If you're ever in Key West I think you should definitely check out the show.

If you want to watch a video of Porche singing "My Guy" to the Roommate, click here. Shit, the link doesn't work so don't waste your time. I'll try to fix it or something.

* I think this term has already jumped the shark as I heard it spoken on prime time TV last night. This will probably be the last time you see it on this site because I roll like that (am cool and hip).

More Key West Fun!

If you didn't already know it, Key West is very friendly. As in gay friendly.

If you didn't know before, I guess you know now. That's what I call a rock hard body.

Purty as a picture and lookin' all ready for Mardi Gras! New Orleans would be so proud!

The Roommate, being the chatty cathy he is (and sometimes-smoker) bummed a ciggie off a waitress taking a break outside her place of employment and ended up getting talked into dinner at a lovely restaurant (name escapes me at the moment but it'll come to me. Starts with a C, though, so if you're in KW look for the pink restaurant who's name starts with a C, you won't regret it.)

We had a lovely meal and a nice visit with Donna, who moved to KW from Jersey to start life anew with her second husband. Makes you wonder if she was running to a new life or away from an old one (hello, New Frickin JERSEY! Don't tell Tony Soprano where Donna's working now.) It seems every working stiff you run into in KW moved there to start a new life. And most have interesting stories (with HUGE gaps in them). Anywho....

Donna pointed out the S&M Barbie collection they were featuring in December. Seems there's and artist on the island who likes to dress up unsuspecting Barbies in kinkywear. In fact another restaurant we happened upon later in the week also featured a Kinkie Barbie exhibit. Too bad I didn't think to pick up a few for Xmas presents, but then again that would have cut into my drinking money.

What you lookin' for, Willis?

After dinner we headed down Duvaul St to see what trouble we could get into. HOLIDAY TROUBLE, it appears. Here's a shot of the Roommate and a bunch of tranny clauses. Somehow I have a feeling this shot is going to end up on a greeting card next holiday sesason. "What do you have for me, Santa?"

I am afraid this was the last shot of the evening as I got a little bit tipsy and littly bit chatty with the other patrons. The the rolling blackout began. And know what? There's even MORE Key West photos to be posted so stay tuned!

whooo wooo....happy new yearzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Happy New Year, 2007 version! 2006 pretty much sucked ass so no need to bother with a recap, we'll just file the year under "seemed like a good idea at the time" and vow never to repeat it. Onward and upward to spanking new and shiny 2007, the 7 portion being a lucky number for me. If worse comes to worse, 2007 will break even. Fingers crossed it's a tad bit rosier than it's predecessor.

Sorry I haven't posted the last of the Key West photos, what with the shots of Bondage Barbie and the Tranny Clause Quadruplets I would think you would be chomping at the bit to get at them. But you have proven to be a patient lot, and for that I am thankful. Perhaps this evening I will get myself motivated, shove aside the "spinster crack" (how the Roommate refers to electronic solitaire, which I have again taken a liking to in these dark, dreary days of winter) and upload some photos for you. It's the least I can do. Really, just about the least.

I am also trying to get my shit together and motivate myself into another company---one that sucks just a scoash less----but that's hard, too. As is starting a painting or three. Or cleaning the house. Or bathing the dog (whom I referred to as "fucking asshole dog" to a complete stranger in a bar in Seattle. A little old lady, to boot. Yep, going to hell.) I am trying to pull myself out of the "holidays!-who-gives-a-shit!" mode and back into "regular-stinking-fucking-life" mode. So far it ain't taking.