Please pardon my flying olive...

Thursday I went to an Alzheimer’s benefit sponsored by a local restaurant. A friend is an employee of said restaurant (ok, I’ll give them their props, McCormick & Schmick’s---if you’re ever in P-town check them out) and I got a special invite to hang with the “accounting crowd” so who could pass that up? Actually they are more fun than you’d expect from bean counters so it was a no-brainer, so I met Tammy and the gang for the festivities. The party’s theme has something to do with martinis, all proceeds from martini sales go to the Alzheimer’s Foundation, as well as the raffle sales. A director from her company bought us drinks (shout out to my new “boyfriend”, Dan) and a couple of raffle tickets and the buzz constantly was about he $10 K giveaway (!) which I knew had something to do with the 7 raffle tickets I clutched all night. When the raffle was finally called I made my way through the crowd to where the evening’s MC was awaiting the calling of 10 lucky numbers, and FYI, any one of the 7 in my fist would do, thank you very much. The first six numbers were called and as past experience with “luck” has proven, none were mine until then O H M Y G O D, my number----wait, shitfuckhell, one digit off. Damnit. This damn raffle is rigged. Why do I even bother, wait---me, ME ME!!!!! Only three more spots left and number eight was MINE! Yippie! I have a one in ten chance for TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. Sweet, lovely Xmas all around. iPODs for the nieces and nephews, even the 2 year old. What the hell, even Rufus gets one. Then they lined up all the lucky raffle winners, cool, no prob. I’m wondering if they then take those tickets and put them in a pot and chose one of us to walk away with the cash? Surely that’s how this is going to go, right? But no, I realize the drawing has simply gotten us to the next level, which is the Olive Toss. We have to toss an olive into a martini glass from 20 feet away. Twenty feet, people! And not only that, there are other restrictions; the pimento must stay in the olive once it is in the glass and the airborne olive can not bounce off the wall, table or anyone standing near the glass. Not so easy all of the sudden. We are all given a “practice shot”, mine being the olive to land closest to the glass---about 3 inches to the right. Easy….piece of cake……I can do this. So then the first contestant is up for her toss; she lets loose and it lands a foot in front of the table, shy 3 feet from the glass. The next person is up for the toss and the MC announces there is only one $10K prize, so if contestant #2 makes it, we don’t even get a chance to win. Damn, time to send some bad mojo to the contestants ahead of me. I think to myself “hatehatehatehatehate” and cross my fingers. The second contestant throws and hits the wall, narrowly missing the camera man. The third contestant strikes out so #4 is now up. She shoots, she scores! Wait, it bounced off the wall, disqualified! I still have a chance. Numbers 5, 6 and 7 all have bad throws so now it’s my turn. I throw and hit the table a good 6 inches to the right of the glass---and double whammy---the pimento bounces out of my olive to boot. Guess that mojo backfired on me. Number nine and ten also miss, shocking I know, so the game is over. I go back to the bean counters and Tammy asks how I did. “Missed” I tell her, iPODs for no one. Then she tells me that in the history of this benefit no one, NO ONE, has ever won. Evidently it’s near impossible, although the restaurant buys an insurance policy for $1K to cover the $10K prize, in the rare event that someone does get the olive in the glass. I should have known better, I don’t even drink martinis and no big fan of olives, either, come to think of it.

I told the MC that I was practicing for next year’s competition; I do have a full 12 months to hone my skills. I’m walking away a winner come Olive Toss, 2006; kids, go ahead pick out your iPODs now.