The Time the Roommate Gave Me Cancer

Pull up a chair, this one’s gonna be long.

Because I’m just that sweet, I took the Roommate to Cancun for his birthday (am I not the best friend ever?) and when we arrived at the airport there we were approached by a local who inquired as to whether we needed a taxi to our resort. I had arranged for a taxi already so the man asked where we were staying and if we had planned any tours before hand. Since we had not he suggested different places we should visit while in the area and told us what we should expect to pay and gave us advice as to what was a good price and not to allow ourselves to be taken. He then let us know we could take all 4 tours he had described for free if we sat through a presentation for the new, and ever expanding, Moon Palace Resort (ta daaa!). I was all ready to say “thanks, but no thanks” because I'm really not the time share type, when the Roommate piped in with “sounds like a good idea”. Once I recovered from the shocking realization that I was going to have to give up some of my precious sitting-on-the-beach-drinking-fruity-cocktails time and then end up buying a time-share I can’t afford, I decided to go along with it, since this WAS the Roommate’s birthday gift, we should do what he wants and all. So the man tells us to take a taxi the next morning, to say we would only pay $18 American for the ride and we would be given $20 once we arrive at the resort. The next morning we do as we are told, get to the most beautiful and splendid resort ever and are refunded our taxi money as promised. We are then introduced to our personal tour guide and are ushered into the dining room for our complimentary breakfast---and we ain’t talking “continental breakfast”, this is the biggest and most impressive breakfast buffet ever imagined. There’s an entire buffet dedicated to omelets, another to crapes, there’s a bar buffet (of course my favorite) where you make your own mimosas or bloody marys, and basically every breakfast food imaginable and a whole lot that you wouldn’t even think would constitute as something you would eat at that hour. Our tour guide leaves us alone to enjoy our meal in peace and the Roommate and I discuss how we are amazed by such a spectacular spread. We notice that there are quite a few targets amongst the diners, many, many targets that are about to get the hard sell for a time share they cannot afford. We are not alone.

After a while our tour guide joins us with a small plate of food and a cup of coffee. For purposes of this story we will call her Maria, because it’s easy to spell and I really can’t remember her name. She asks us where we’re from, what we do for a living. We engage in such chit chat for a bit and it is very clear that the Resort coaches their guides to be very professional and at ease when speaking with guests/prospective marks. After Maria makes sure we have eaten all we possibly can, she starts telling us about the Palace Resorts, Moon Palace being the newest and most fabulous. She tells us that there is so much to do there, snorkeling in their man-made rivers and off the coast of their man-made beach, golf, tours, etc. Palace Resorts are “all inclusive”, meaning you eat all you want for free, drink until you can’t drink any longer, for free (which is quite the bargain for the Roommate and I) and basically that once you arrive, you really never need to leave the sprawling grounds your entire visit. Moon Palace has evidently spared no expense to make it the most wonderful place on the face of the planet. Maria asks if we’d like to see the property, and when we say yes, she summons a young man to fetch our coach, which is a nice, new golf cart with a roof and all. Maria takes the wheel and drives us through the “villages”, specific themes of accommodations for “families”, “singles”, “golfers”, etc. Maria shows us the “game pavilion”, the golf course, the beach area. She shows us the different values of rooms, ranging from very nice to over the top deluxe. This expansive tour takes the better part of the morning.

During our tour, we stop on occasion for the Roommate to take a smoke break. Maria asks if I smoke and I reply that I had recently quit. She commends me on my will power and asks if it was difficult. I simply reply that it was “just time to quit”, so I did. A little while later we are walking the grounds and I cough a little and Maria asks me if I’ve got a cold. I just brush it off as “must be allergies” and leave it at that. We continue the tour and end up in a large room where we are offered cocktails and given a seat, side by side, at a small table. Maria sits across from us with a glass of water, where she begins her pitch. She tells us the prices, that we can stay at any Palace Resort, etc., all inclusive, isn’t the place beautiful and isn’t it a great bargain? We agree. Maria tells us we would pay a certain amount every month for 3 years and then our time share is completely paid up except for certain fees when we actually use the facilities. That’s nice we say. She asks if we are ready to join the Palace family and we tell her politely that we aren’t interested. She throws another set of numbers at us and asks if that is more acceptable. We again politely decline. She then gives us her super duper special pricing and asks if that would better fit our budget. We again decline her generous offer. When she again asks how we could decline such a great offer, the Roommate simply replies “I’m going to level with you Maria, it’s a great offer and definitely something we’d be interested in but she’s got cancer and this is probably our last vacation together”. I’m confused, who’s “she”? Then I finally catch up---the SHE is ME and I HAVE CANCER. The look of shock registers on my face and the Roommate, who by no surprise to you I’m sure, is in sales, says “I know I promised we wouldn’t talk about this on this trip, I’m sorry” and he puts his arm around my shoulder, comforting me. I think that I’m going to cry and my eyes actually tear up. Not only do I have cancer but we weren’t going to mention it and now we have! I look at Maria and I can tell she’s putting it all together----my coughing, giving up smoking---and she tells me gently “I’m so sorry” and says she will let us get on with our vacation but that she has to have her manager come over---she again apologizes but it’s a technicality and all and the Roommate asks Maria not to tell the manager about the BIG C and she says “of course”. The manager comes over, she’s a real Battle Axe, and gives us more pricing and actually writes the numbers up side down while she gives us the pitch. Again the Roommate declines several offers and the Battle Axe says she has to bring over HER manager. She gets up and Maria excuses herself and goes with the manager. Then the Big Manager comes over, a man this time, and starts to give us his pitch. I think “how do people get out of here without signing”? Then I notice the Big Manager looking over the Roommate’s shoulder, to where Maria is standing with the Battle Axe. The Battle Axe gives the “cut” sign, slashing her hand across her neck, and the Big Manager says thank you and we’ll get you those tour vouchers. Maria has told the Battle Axe about the BIG C after all and we are saved and free to go! After the Big Manager leaves I ask the Roommate “so I’m terminal?” and he simply replies “yes, and your cancer got us tours”.

So we went to the ruins at Tulum (see picture above) Chichen Itza, Xcaret, Tulum, Isla Mujeres, a jungle tour and snorkeling, all on a little terminal cancer. Best vacation of my tragically short life and it was all because of the Roommate. On a side note, I LOVE CANCUN AND THE JUNGLES AROUND IT and strongly suggest you go and see the sites.

And that, my friends, is how the Roommate gave me cancer in Mexico.