Money ain't for nothing....wait, it is!

I need to start my own business because I am learning all kinds of clever ways to make money from nothing at my job here at H&K. I have a customer who has a non-working toll free number and we are charging them $11K a month for calls to it. And when you call the number you get a fast busy (if you're not in telecom that means the number isn't working but hasn't been officially disconnected). What genius, charge for NOTHING! Talk about great margin! I wonder who in marketing came up with this? Certainly they got a huge raise and a promotion for this brainstorm!
Can you feel the sarcasm?

Other creative money making ideas with painfully little or no overhead:





Hello, there aren't any; even holding up liquor stores have costs: panty hose, gun, get-away car gas. Great ideas like this (and pet rocks) only come around once or twice in a life time. The only thing I can come up with as an "add on" to this sale is possibly a late fee when they refuse to pay it or maybe something cryptic like an "inconvenience fee" or "go ahead and try to stop us fee". I'll keep my thinking cap on and report any instant cash schemes I come up with so you all can be millionaires, too. I'm all about sharing the wealth.

Oh, and about yesterday's post, I always spell POO with an H, as it looks classier as pooh, kind of French and all. You know, not as shitty.

Something in the air...................

Yesterday it was sub-zero here at work, today it smells like pooh. I think I liked yesterday better.

Sometimes I think there's just no pleasing me.

Cheese-food, it's what's for dinner

I guess I took advantage of the 4 day weekend---in more ways than just eating and drinking too much---and went ahead and took myself a little blog vacation as well. Better get used to it, next Tuesday I am going on a real vacation to somewhere with sun, sand and surf and probably not a whole lot of internet, so tumble weeds will be blowing across this page. And I think I deserve a little warmth since I am sitting in my cube here at work with my coat on and my gloves on as I type this, which ain't easy. Typing on a laptop is kind of odd with gloves, I keep getting bonus letters in my typing, but since I am freezing it is the only way I can work without losing feeling in my fingers. Our office must be run by Scrooge or our building run by a slumlord, because if it's cold outside, it's colder in here. Not sure where that logic comes from but it was snowing when I drove in this morning, so you probably can imagine it's a little on the fridgid side in here. So thank god for Key West and I am officially counting down the days till next Tuesday.

The Roommate and I hosted the annual orphan's Thanksgiving and I must say it was quite fun, about 15 folks came for the feasting. Everyone brought a side dish or wine and our friend Frankie made the bird so I was freed from the majority of the responsibilities and was able to focus on the stuffing (my own recipe and quite tasty, I must say) and a few side dishes. I even slummed a bit with a comfort food dish, broccoli with a Velveeta sauce, and wouldn't you know it that dish was completely devoured. Who'd have thunk it? Yum all around and a good time was had by all.

I am happy to report I have officially started my holiday shopping and vow as god is my witness that I will not enter a shopping mall to purchase a single gift. The internet is our friend and personal shopper after all and a happy holiday is a click away.

I'm wondering about this beta version of Blogger? Anyone feel it's time I switched? I'm just a little scared about the "no turning back" part and losing my comfort zone. Anyone have any horror stories to report that will scare be away from beta?

And now I leave you with these parting words of wisdom: the worst part of a 4 day weekend is coming back to work a 5 day work week, it's probably going to feel like a 7 day stretch. I wish I were still in bed this very minute and doubt if anyone would even miss me if I had slept in.

Happy Sucky Monday everyone! Try to stay warm!

Seriously, I'm really pretty boring...

When iamnot tagged me, he said I could only list 6 weird things about myself, like I could go on for days. I don't think I'm that weird, it's more like VE to go weird overboard.

According to the rules…..
Write 6 weird things about yourself
Tag 6 people who then have too write their 6 weird things on their blog.
Leave a comment letting them know they are tagged and to read your blog.

My weirdnesses:
1. I hate working out, get no rush or feeling of well being from going to the gym, but work out religiously out of guilt.
2. I would pay $525 for a gift for a friend, but would never dream of spending that kind of money on myself.
3. I am uncomfortable in fabrics that have a pattern to them. I almost exclusively wear solid colors, and most of those colors being black.
4. I love a bargain but feel that using a coupon makes me appear cheap.
5. I'd rather be funny than rich. Lucky for me that worked out.
6. I love the smell of beef cooking but absolutely hate the taste of beef and really can't even stomach it. Oddly enough I have no problem with pork----which by the way tastes like beef smells.

And I shall choose VE, Shawna, Erin, Starlet, Will and Conti (because he needs to post already).
Ok, go ahead, get weird.

Jesus, I'm just like a husband!

Somehow I missed my one year anniversary doing this lousy blog, Nov. 15th---how I managed that I do not know. I'm usually REALLY good at remembering dates and shit but for some reason I was thinking the 28th of November was the day I started this crazy ride. Turns out I was wrong.

There, I said it. I. Was. Wrong.

Take a good hard look because that may be your only chance to see those three words in print together here on this blog. Maybe.....you might see those "three little words Bush will never mutter" again in a sarcastic form (shocker there, huh?) but I rarely will admit something like that in print, for all of history to mock.

So, fricking happy belated anniversary to me!* (Maybe I should register for gifts?!?!?!) Hope you are enjoying my babble and rants, 'cause I got a million of 'em.

*Isn't this where I'm supposed to say I'm taking a break or quitting or something? Let me know in comments if you think it's time for me to pull the plug.

....for this I give thanks.

Its Thanksgiving week, and I was thinking this would be a good time to reflect on things that I am thankful for. Now before you go thinking that this will be a weepy testimonial about the blessing of good friends, or loyalty of a faithful companion, let me just set the record straight. There'll be none of that blubbering here. Well, not today, anyway, because……

…………..today's post is all about the joy of SOCK MONKEYS! (For some reason blogspot is being a total ass and is not letting me upload this photo, although it did a few minutes ago but I tarded out and accidently deleted it. Not thankful for that at all.)

As a kid I never had a sock monkey, didn't have any friends that did and in fact I only had a vague notion that they existed, in theory only, really and only that they were popular in the Depression or something. But as an adult I developed an odd interest in the idea of sock monkeys but never actually got one until the Roommate woke me up at 3 am one morning to give me one he had purchased in the middle of the night somewhere, evidently in the general vicinity of a bar. And for some reason I named it Elvis. Months passed and then one night the Roommate once again woke me up in the wee hours to present me with Elvis's secret gay lover sock monkey, so then I had 2. Then Our Rusty bought me a leather-clad motorcycle biker sock monkey but it was separated from him somehow, a long story that involves said monkey being hidden in a shrub in the middle of the night but never retrieved the next day. Oddness, yes. But Rusty did eventually purchase a replacement monkey, sans bike leather though. So I now have 3 sock monkeys who sit on the top of a book shelf in my room. Rufus sometimes catches a glimpse of them which causes him to moan and whine, because those sock monkeys need their eyes pulled out something awful, and Rufus is just the person for the task. Perhaps if I were a better mom I'd let him de-eye them, but they're sock monkeys, for Christ sake. SOME things are sacred.

This is an example of the carnage one would witness if Rufus got a hold of a truck load of sock monkeys, only there would be a thick dusting of monkey-gut cotton batting covering the floor as well as sock monkey carcasses. I do believe this is what my mutt dreams of at night and once he learns to climb a bookshelf, those babies will be his.

So as you reflect on all things you are thankful for this holiday week, say a little prayer of thanks for our dear friend, the sock monkey. Hell, set a place for them at the dinner table Thursday, show them you care. Seriously, where would we be without them?

Google Image fun again!

Damn, it's cold here (and outside, too!) and since the Roommate and I are going to Key West in less than 3 weeks, I thought I'd google image Key West. Here's what we're in for; thought I'd share so you could virtually enjoy the sun and also feel good and jealous at the same time.

This is the southern most point on the contential United States (duh, it's right there on the lable) and a favorite photo op for tourists. Since I first went to Key West ages ago, I've already done that gig, but since this will be the Roommate's first trip, I will be sure to drag him here for a photo.

I love quaint old lighthouses (and as luck would have it, Oregon has tons of them. Only this time of year they're a little on the soggy side).

Last one in the water is a rotten egg! And possibly shark bait! Ooops, don't mention that last part to the Roommate; I have a feeling he'd be more open to the idea of rotten eggs.

Every evening the sunset is celebrated on Malory Square---street performers, cocktails and lots of people watching the sun dip into the Gulf. If you listen closely you can hear it sizzle.

Ah, we'll be seeing (and lounging on) some sandy beaches!

But what we won't be seeing is any of this nonsense. Hurricane season ends as of next week, so it should be smooth sailing for us. Fingers crossed.

Nothing like google image for a free virtual vacation. And no need for sunscreen! Only problem is I'm still cold. And still here.

Have a good weekend! Our gang will be going out to watch Storm tomorrow evening and it should be a grand weekend over all. Keep warm and dry!

Post script.....

The internet lies. I google imaged Portland, Oregon because I wanted to start this post off with a soggy, rainy, cold photo of what it's usually like this time of year and after weeding through 36 pages of indoor shots or outdoor shots of sunny, blue skys, I gave up. I guess truth is bad for tourist business. Then again the sun's out today, so maybe google knows that. Mental note, check again on a rainy day.

I really do think I have an obsession with Google Image

Just for shits and grins I google imaged "oxymoron" and I got this image, to the left. I have to admit I like it better than the others, even the sign for "Death Valley Health Center", the "trespassing by permit only" notice or the "sanitary sewer" manhole cover. Yep, this one made me chuckle, but then again, I'm not a Republican. And for an added little jab, "oxy" in Latin is sharp, while "moros" means dull (see illustration).

The reason I decided to google image "oxymoron" is because I was e-mailing a coworker, asking if H&Ks had a data integrity group. Almost snorted tea out of my nose as I typed it, I gotta admit. So from that you can imagine the day I've been having today, here in H&K land, where an oxymoron is only a moment away.

Oh, and google image is always a cure for writer's block, too. And I'm not even going to charge you for that tidbit.

And finally, on a side note, gas was $2.59 today. Just saying.

Welcome to Rant Wednesday! UPDATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what I put up with here at H & K:

Two months ago I entered an order to disconnect telephone services for a customer, back-crediting to January 31st of this year.....because that's when it was supposed to have been disconnected, low these many months ago. Keeping in mind that I didn't start working here until June of this year I think you can start to get a handle on the cause of my frustrations. (And no, this isn't the only customer I am having to "clean up" for, just in case you're wondering.) When the disconnect order was complete I was shocked to find that the date we decided to stop charging the customer for these services was actually July 1st, 2006 instead of January 31st…..I guess because January-thirty-first is soooooo close to July-first, depending on the logic you use I suppose. So I entered a credit adjustment to remove charges from February 1st through June 30th, since they were supposed to be credited already, and while I was at it I requested that all taxes and surcharges associated with these services be credited as well (because telecom is way over taxed) and even gave the billing people the exact amounts to be credited, just to be clear. My adjustment was rejected because taxes would be automatically "figured by the system" and not necessary on my request, so I re-entered my credit request sans a credit for taxes. Come to find out "the system" needs a math lesson, or a tax class or at the very least a calculator since it only credited about a third of the taxes that we charged in error. So today I was given the extra treat of entering yet another adjustment to fix that fuck up that didn't fix the original fuck up that never got taken care of in a timely manner. And I had to also request a credit for the late fees we also decided to charge the customer for the taxes they should never have been charged in the first place. Can you say inefficient? I sure can, since it's my fucking H&K mantra.

And all these inefficiencies cause me to bitch. And they causes me to hate. And over-drink. Which causes me to pick stupid fights with the Roommate. Which causes me much pain and sorrow later on. H&K is ruining my life and sanity---and yes I am, so if you hear of anything………………..

.........................................................

Confidential to Tammy: No photos of Boytek and the big rat so far, only a shot of Diane on a merry-go-round horse. Will that do?

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Confidential to the Roommate: Three weeks to Florida. Thank god.

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UPDATE!!!!!!! And I apologize to all those not in telecom for this next tech babble-filled addition.

Hey, all you coworkers over at my former employer who read this blog (yes, I seeeee you), help me figure THIS one out:

I have a customer who wants me to make some changes to his 5 PRIs, which all are one big massive PRI of 144 channels (and I know 144 channels = 6 PRIs, but don't tell me, tell TBS). Hmmm, ok, we're only billing him for 4. And we've only ever billed him for 4. 5 are in service in TBS though---found the order for the first 2 and the order for the 4th and 5th, just can't find where we've ever put the 3rd one in service. And I can't figure out why there are 144 segments when they are all sequencial without breaks, but I'll figure that out when the LSD I got out of the break room first aid kit kicks in. Prize to anyone who can figure out how the 3rd PRI was installed without an order----that prize being my job of course. With your wicked understanding of TBS you'll be great at it.

Here we go again! Onward and upwards!

First off, sinus headaches suck. And what's with me wanting to sleep all the time?
Ok, I'm not usually one to be all introspective, especially not on my blog as I prefer to leave this forum purely for entertainment value. But here lately I've been in a funk/hate-everyone-mood (yes, you too, because I know how you are) and that makes it hard to be funny at times. But let's try to push all that "downerness" to the side and address a pressing issue that I predicted and goddamn it if it isn't coming to fruition.

The price of gas is inching up again.

About 2 months back I predicted the price of gas would slowly go down in order to assist the Bush administration in keeping a stranglehold on Congress and the Senate (actually I didn't predict the Republicans would lose control of both houses because I truly thought Americans were too stupid to pull their collective heads out of their asses, but I appreciate being proven wrong on this one. Thanks, America!) because it appeared the biggest issues this past summer were a) the war in Iraq, b) immigration and c) the price of gas, considering it was a little on the stupidly high side. It appears the Bush administration can't make any headway with Iraq and that ridiculous wall between Mexico and the US is a JOKE and no one is falling for that as a solution, so the easiest band aid would logically be on the gas issue, and let me tell you, we did hit a measly $2.25 per gallon on election day right here in Portland, which was a bargain compared to the $3.09 we were paying just a handful of months before. Well, I've been keeping an eye on the price of gas at 3 stations on my way to work, and the price has been inching up a few cents a day since last Wednesday, the day after the elections. We're up to $2.53, average, for the three stations I've been checking and way higher at a couple of other stations I pass regularly. Coincidence? I think not. I think we're being punished for voting for the Democrats. But then again I'm a left-wing conspiracy theorist and all, who additionally happens to be on a bad mood loop. I could be wrong because I'm told that it's just impossible to fudge the price of gas, although I've also heard economists say the price of gas is impacted by emotion before. And anger is an emotion. But like I said, I could be wrong.

I guess that's enough for that rant before the big oil/right wing hate mail comes flying in.

On the brighter side, the Roommate and I had a "human scavenger hunt" birthday party for Boytek this weekend, and a super big thanks to all who participated! Hopefully I'll have some photos (memory card full, DUH!) to post but it was a good time. Thanks again to everyone who helped pull it off.

Now I've got to rush out and get some of that bargain $2.53 a gallon gas before it's really expensive tomorrow. I predict $2.59 or higher by Thursday. I'll keep you posted. Oh, and I truly wish I had been wrong on that predicition, my commute can be killer, on the pocketbook anyway.

Under the weather

Hello all. I have a raging sinus headache so I won't be posting anything today. Except this, but it hardly counts.

Have fun and take care.

Just for fun!

Go to this site, type your name in the box and see what happens! Your name translated into Russian!

Insert happy dance here.

Ok, this is the 6yh attempt at posting today's rant. Let's hope six is a charm. (Update: I had to remove some links in order to post, something's wrong with Blogger today and I think it has to do with sore losers.)

Everyone hates a bad winner but I gotta say it's turning out to be a pretty damn good day today. Our dear friend, Rumsfeld*, will be stepping down---seems he's finally gotten A HINT or something. And it looks, at least at this writing, that the Dems have a pretty good chance of taking over the Senate along with the House, in spite of this cat's not so white teeth, but then again he ran in Montana, where evidently white teeth are only ever seen on ousted Republican scum. Of course we need to not throw confetti (hoarded from the shredder for just such an occasion) just yet as the official counts are not yet in---and I don't want to even think about the lengthy recounts---so I'll be saving the happy dance for later. But the sun did come out this morning, both literally and figuratively, and if I could just get my employment situation taken care of I'd be one happy camper. If only for today.

I love the irony in the fact that the GOP used the threat of gay marriage to get Bush re-elected and now the stories of less than hetro-sexual antics from those in their own ranks actually brought their party down. Talk about karma.

Bush has invited some top Democratic leaders to the white house today for lunch and I understand there will be crow on the menu, at least for the host.

And finally, here's a little election day humor for you from Erin. Don't worry, it's non-partisan and I think she'd have made an excellent Proposition 48.

Happy Post Election Day!

*Spell check wants to make him "rusted" and I must agree that is an excellent suggestion

Ooops, she did it again....almost forgot about the first one.

I wonder if she thought she wouldn't get much press is she filed on an election day?


And just let me add I think I actually heard the audible and obligatory gasp of surprise by the entire fucking world when this shocking news was released. Seriously, who saw THAT coming?

You can all put your hands down.

As Angela Arden said in "Die, Mommy, Die".....it is your duty....

Today's the day. It's only very early in the election day follies as I write this but I have a feeling it's going to be icky-nasty come results time. Lots of finger pointing, accusations, bitching, tears. Hopefully by this time tomorrow we will be hearing a fat lady singing, but if recent past is any indication, this could go on for a while, as we recount, regroup and reinvent history.

So get out and do your civic duty, 'cause remember, you can't bitch if you don't vote.

Getting up on my soapbox.....

Are you a liberal or a conservative? Either way make sure you vote.

I'm sure iamnot will have a field day with this one.

Welcome to Oregon, got moss yet?

Friday Nov 3 Rain High 56 °F Low 53 °F Precip: 80% Wind: S at 13 mph UV Index: 1 Low Humidity: 90% Sunrise: 6:53 AM Sunset: 4:55 PM Cloudy with periods of rain. High 56F. Winds S at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 80%. Rainfall around a half an inch.

Saturday 4 Rain / Wind High 58 °F Low 52 °F Precip: 90% Wind: S at 13 mph UV Index: 1 Low Humidity: 87% Sunrise: 6:55 AM Sunset: 4:53 PM close details Rain likely. High 58F. Winds S at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 90%. Rainfall around a quarter of an inch.

Sunday 5 Light Rain High 58 °F Low 55 °F Precip: 70% Wind: S at 7 mph UV Index: 1 Low Humidity: 88% Sunrise: 6:56 AM Sunset: 4:52 PM Light rain. Highs in the upper 50s and lows in the mid 50s.

This is the weather we are expecting this weekend but unfortunately this is also the extended forcast till, oh I don't know, mid July---and I'm not exagerating. Only the temperature will drop about 10 degrees soon, but other than that, I expect to be damp. Now you see why we jump up and down and nearly shit ourselves in delight when "summer" rolls around sometime after Independence Day. Who wants to move here?